Odd call from clinic

I had a message from our fertility clinic yesterday.  A nurse called and said that she spoke with our doc and apparently I should call on my next day 3.  I'm not sure what this means.  BCP at the end of October? Or just investigating my ovarian reserve?  It sounds like I'm going to get to do another IVF cycle before Christmas though so that's exciting.
So my October goal is to lose the 8lbs I gained over the past 2 months.  It would be nice to accomplish that weight loss before the next cycle.

The blogs I read and other fine information

Pufferfish:  I'm not totally sure how I found all the blogs I read.  I found some off of google and then a lot of the girls link to other blogs.  Looking for support through the last couple of years, I tried a couple of discussion boards too but I'm not that impressed with the quality of conversations on those boards.  I prefer the blogs.  So some girls I read all the time, and others I read more when I'm going through the same thing as they are.   It's been exciting seeing people get pregnant after trying for so long and it gives me hope.

Thanks for the advice, guys.  I can't seem to get any answers until our meeting with the doc November 3rd.  That seems so far away, but I guess I'll still be in the "break" that they require.  Hopefully, if I don't need the bcp, I'll be able to start at the end of November then.

Complaint of the day:  I'm at a publicly funded institution for my fertility centre, as I live in Canada, and this is a clinic I can get to in under 2 hours.  The problem is, we still pay for IVF privately in my province (although this may change in the near future).  So, we pay as if we have no public funding but I have to wait to see the publicly funded doctor when the IVF doesn't work (or for every other consult).  This typically takes me 3-4 months.  The only reason I only have to wait 1.5 months this time is because I lied to her receptionist in July and told her I was doing an August cycle instead of September.  How insane that I could have had a negative result in August and had to wait until November 3rd for my next consult!  The nurse that called me on Saturday actually said "ok dear, we need to get you to make a follow up appointment with your doctor now to discuss your next plan".  Are you kidding me?  If I waited until NOW to book an appointment I'd be seeing her in January.

Fun thing of the day: The power was out at my work today.  I called all my clients and gave them the choice to rebook and they all came.  So I worked all day in the near dark.  And my iphone was my only working phone, calendar, flashlight and email.  Silly day, but I liked it.

other stuff:  My cramps are still significant although much better than 2 days ago. But my period still only lasted 2 days.  It was definitely heavier than normal for the first day but gone already by day 3.   No one seems to care about my light periods so I always let it go, but this is going on my list of things to discuss on November 3rd.

Acceptance

My girlfriend came down to visit this weekend, which has been great.  We did a lot of shopping yesterday, and although I am not usually a "shopper" it did feel good to spend money wildly. (I am aware that I'm already spending money wildly with IVF though).
The call from the clinic re: blood test didn't go exactly as I hoped.  Apparently this month "doesn't count" and then the next cycle I have to take off.  So the earliest we can start again is end of November.  Assuming she'll want to start me with the bcp this time, IVF cycle would fall over Christmas.  They don't actually start IVF cycles that will fall over Christmas, so guess what?  Another delay.  It looks like it's mid-January now.  Wow, this seems far away.  I am moving into acceptance though.
We have to cancel a trip to Florida with our friends since that was planned for the 2nd week in January.  That sucks too.
Oh and severe cramps, keeping me awake most of the night.  With a very heavy period.  I guess that's all the medications fault.
But during my shopping spree yesterday,  I bought several items to refresh our bathrooms.  So there is a happy feeling when I use the bathroom now.  That's something.

Doing ok

I was pretty upset yesterday. And I'm still sad, but I think I might be better than I usually am with a BFN. Tonight, my husband and I talked about our next step. I think I'd like to take October off, but ONLY October. So maybe start the bcp at the end of October (if I even have this choice). I want a new protocol though, for this "low ovarian reserve" shit. If I can move on with a new plan, I think it will help.
My receptionist told me she is 10 weeks pregnant today. I'm happy for her, just jealous that I can't get pregnant. It's a little tough to take that announcement at this moment but whatever.
I am thinking of social events I don't think I can attend for a while, just until I'm a little more stable.

And thanks for the comments, Lucky Little 13. I'm excited to hear if you have 1 or 2 in there!

BFN

more cramps

I'm going to test tomorrow morning, but I'm not feeling good about it these past 2 days.  I know everyone feels that way, but my cramps are very "familiar".  I don't see how this isn't going to result in AF.

Oh, I hope I'm wrong.

cramps

i had a little last night
a little during today
and a lot tonight..abdomen and back cramps
i'm concerned this isn't good news

6dp3dt

I kind of just wanted to type my day since people do it on the message boards and stuff.  I kept somewhat busy this weekend but when i wasn't i read several blogs and thousands of message board messages.  A lot of people start testing around this day.  I planned to wait until 9dp3dt.  BUT, on FF searching I found a lot of positives on 11dpo.  So I've convinced myself I could start testing that day.
I'm scared though. I'm very hopeful and keep self-talking my positive thoughts.  But I'm scared this didn't work and how depressed this could make me feel.  I've had such a rough time with negatives over the past year, and so much hope was in this IVF.  I know, we can do it again in a couple of months.  I'm just so tired of waiting.
I'm crampy this afternoon.  Not bad, but it's definitely there.  And it's not the retrieval pains I was having anymore.

Migraine #1

I get migraines.  Usually a couple a month.  Since I was a tween.
In the past 2.5 years, TTC, I have taken a lot less medications than I used to (all those 2WWs) and therefore I don't function with my headaches as well as I used to.
Today is the FIRST one since I started IVF.  I didn't have any from the medications in the first 1/2 of the cycle.  I'm pretty sure today's is caused by the quick weather shift, but it's bad.  I'm just starting to come around right now, with that feeling of nausea.

Anyway, I read quite a few infertility blogs.  I'm a lurker, but I'm faithful at it.  Many of my bloggers have started or are starting IVF in the past month or so.  Today the third in a row got a positive result!  Awesome.
This IVF thing does sound very hopeful.

Stuff

I'm still feeling a light ache, like light cramps. I wonder if it's the progesterone/ water retention at this point. It can't still be the retrieval can it?
And I have heartburn every night at bed now. I have for almost a week, so it's nothing "hopeful" it's just there. And severe. I'm sleeping with extra pillows and chewing the rolaids (since their sodium free). Progesterone?
And I'm tired. I think that's b/c I'm not exercising, and I usually exercise most nights.
This entry seems very negative..which is odd b/c I don't feel negative today. Actually I keep thinking about how this really can't NOT work. I mean 2 good quality day 3s, lots of progesterone..it HAS to work.

Back to work

Happy to be busy. Sitting around yesterday just gave me too much time to think. I've made my work schedule easier but busy enough to keep me busy.
T-10 days until beta.

Transfer complete

This morning we had 2 embryos. An 8-celled and a 7-celled, both grade 2. Since every lab seems to grade differently, grade 2 means minimal fragmentation. The doc says she rarely sees a grade 1 and that our embryos looked great.
They only use the blastocyst stage to "select" the best embryos so there is no benefit, in their minds, to wait until day 5. I asked is a Petri dish with the correct nutrients could better mimic the Fallopian tubes as compared to my uterus ( since day 3 embryos wouldn't actually be in the uterus yet) but the doc said there is no real way to know. Googling this info tells me that it's a matter of opinion.
The transfer is easy, as everyone says it is. We saw the woosh of air and such on the ultrasound as the catheter emptied the embryos into the top of my uterus. And we have a little picture to remember it by. Hopefully this is our first picture of our child/children.
Oh, and this doc actually warned me before she put the speculum in. It's funny that I'd be thankful for that.

Transfer tomorrow?

So there are definately only 2. But that's 2 more than 0. Tomorrow we learn about the quality and probably transfer them both.
I'm excited.

waiting...

Today they're supposed to set up an appointment time for me tomorrow as well as let me know how the little guys are doing.  They make all their phone calls before 3:00/

They still haven't called and it's 1:37..I hate when they take this long

Obsurdities

As a separate post, I just want to complain about 2 things.
4 days ago, I asked bitchy nurse (most of the nurses are great) "what are the restrictions". She went on to tell me about how bed rest has no benefits and to change nothing. My husband and I talked about me trying to take it easy at work anyway, just to be careful. She then told me I'd come back on either day 3 OR 5 for transfer, which we'd figure out in the next 2 days.
Yesterday I was told to not lift over 10lbs, no bending/twisting/pushing and to decrease stress. Also that I come in on day 3 AND 5 so we can figure out our best option there. So was bitchy nurse just an idiot? They tell several people the sane thing every day so how was she wrong? It's just annoying b/c I asked to help me with work scheduling and such.

Second, I hate one of the docs. She did my day 3 u/s and lied to me. She did my day 11 and just seems aggravated when you ask for any info. And of course, she did my retrieval yesterday. The other 2 docs were both great with my questioning and they seemed empathetic and reassuring. I don't understand people staying in jobs when they are no longer empathetic. This woman is obviously smart, so I'm sure she could find another job where patients didn't want to talk to her or ask her questions. During the retrieval I just felt like she didn't care. Maybe it would have hurt the same with the other docs, I don't know. She didn't even warn me before she put in a speculum. All of a sudden she pushed that baby in and stews it open. Then checks something and takes it out again. I've had a lot of paps with several different docs over the years and have never been taken by surprise by the oh-so-comfortable speculum. The big kicker, when I was crying after the proceedure, she came back in to tell me "3" but seeing that I was crying said "was it something that I said?".
WTF? Was she cracking a joke? What a fucking bitch.
I'm now not going to focus on the negative... Although I hope transfer is with a different doc.

Retrieval

3 eggs.
Not a lot.
But all we need is 1, right?

The proceedure was "interesting". While me and 2 other girls got gowned and IV'd and such for our retrievals, the men were out producing their samples.
- Our facility moved buildings lately. At the last place, the guys had to walk to a separate building and "produce" in a OBGYN room. Then walk back with their sample. How insane! This building actually has rooms just for "producing" with tvs and porn and such. Much better.
Anyway, retrieval hurt more the longer it went on. They give sedation meds but I have to say, the pain broke through those meds. By the second ovary, I felt like she was repeatedly stabbing me. It was near to watch on the u/s screen as the follicles were drained though. During it, someone poked their head in and said "we've got one". They find this out pretty much instantly, I guess. After she "cleaned up around the ovaries" I started crying a little and then couldn't stop. When the doc said "3" I was really disappointed so that, with the tears already, and a mix of hormones and sedation meds, I lost it a little. It took me at least 5 mins to stop and get control. Odd.

I slept most of yesterday afternoon. But generally, I feel like I have strong cramping pain. It's livable.

I just got my call. All three were mature and 2 have fertilized so far. Hopefully the 3rd one looks fertilized by tomorrow. We used ICSI so, although happy with at least 2 (my mind has been thinking of worse case scenario for 24hrs) I though all 3 would fertilize. Well, grow little fellas. We'll see you in 2 days.

HCG is on board!

That felt like a little chemistry experiment, combining the sterile water with the chorionic gonadotropin.
So get ready little oocytes..we're coming for you
Fingers crossed for healthy, mature eggs on Friday

CD 11 - huh

Today the u/s was done by the not-so-nice doc.  She is a grouch and doesn't like questions.
My right has 2 or 3 over the criteria (although one of them is a cyst), my left has 4 over the criteria.  There were a couple of others but she didn't measure them since "it looks like she has 4 ready".  I have the required amount and the criteria to "HCG" tomorrow night.  I asked her, "so does it look like I'm only going to get 4?".  She said "no, I didn't measure some.  You'll probably get 4 to 6".  Wow, that's really not a lot for the time, money, meds... as the other doc said "it is what it is".
Whatever that means.

Retrieval is on Friday, or CD14.  36 hours after I trigger.  I really need my husband's sperm to be AWESOME.  It has to compensate for my lack of egg production and fertilize all my eggs.  Will there be enough eggs to make it to transfer?

Ganirelix

It DOES sting a little.

Day 9 - looking up?

Well, better news at this appointment:

right ovary - 20mm (the cyst is smaller?), 19mm, 14mm and a new one at 9mm

left ovary - 19 mm, 18mm, 18mm, 14mm and 2 new ones at 9mm and 8mm

The shitty news remains that there are so few follicles, I can easily remember the measurements that the doctor tells the nurse.  The good news is that things are progressing and there is a chance I may have 8-10 by day 13.  Go Ovaries Go!

It was a quick appointment today.  My meds stay the same so there was no meeting with the nurse.  I didn't get a phone call before 3:00 so that means my blood work is doing ok.

I feel "full" with some pressure in my lower abdomen.  I am continuing to do a daily gentle cardio workout b/c it calms me.  I am a little concerned about my work days this week as they are PACKED since I booked off 2 days for appointments and it's already a short week.  I shouldn't be scheduling such busy days.  

Anyway, the waiting game continues...

Day 7

Today the u/s showed:
right ovary - 22mm, 10mm, 7mm
left ovary - 14mm, 13mm, 8mm, 8mm
All signs are definitely pointing to a "low ovarian reserve".  Although this is very depressing, I actually feel better than I did on Monday because I "know" something.  I feel better knowing what is probably the problem and hoping that we can deal with that.
Apparently it just goes day by day now.  The Dr. said that we need 4 follicles at 15mm to continue with IVF.  If it looks like we're going to get less, than we'll convert to IUI.
She doesn't think the cyst is the reason for the blood work issues.  My blood work seems back in the ballpark though so that's odd to me.
So, this information is making me accept that we may need many tries at this.  Hopefully, if this cycle is converted to IUI, the next cycle will be approached differently b/c of this information.  I'm disappointed that our wait for a child is probably going to continue on for more months. I'm not very emotionally stable when it comes to congratulating people on their pregnancies and births..I really need to control that.
At least we have an explanation.  If I'm producing so little follicles on 300iu of Puregon, I assume Clomid did nothing.  And all those months without meds? wow.  Information does feel good.
So tonight I start taking Ganirelix and continue with the daily does of Puregon at 300ui.  This needle looks a little bigger.

Puregon 300 ui symptoms

Yesterday I felt good. Energetic and generally good.
Today I felt very very tired, but still good. I am a frequent migraine sufferer so who knew I could feel so good with all this Puregon? Here's hoping the next mess are ok too.
I may be fooling myself, but I think it's going to go ok tomorrow. I have had no right sided pain (like I seem to monthly when I ovulate). I have had general pressure in my lower abdomen but more left sided than right. Fingers crossed that all will proceed.

Trying to be positive

I'm feeling a little better today but not a lot. I had a very busy work day, so that helped.
What I didn't say yesterday is that I had only 5 follicles on my left ovary and 3 on my right (including the 20mm cyst). So that, plus my high FSH and Estradiol shows possible ovarian reserve issues. How could I be TTC for 29 cycles and never found that out until now? Could it be wrong and the functional cyst is throwing everything out of Nikolaj Coster-Waldau Nikolaj Coster-Waldau I hate that I have to wait until Friday to find out more.
BUT, I have read lots of successful IVF stories with only 8 follicles on day 3 now so I'm trying to be hopeful again. I am sad that I was so hopeful and now I lost that.
I've done 2 shots now and they don't hurt at all. I was headachey all day but I get a lot of headaches so it was probably stead, not the Puregon.
2 more days to go.