It's over

Another failed IVF.  I didn't even have to test this time.
So we're still "stuck", never moving forward.

I can't do it

I have had cramping for a few days now.  The cramping felt "different" to me, more sharp and not constant.  But tonight it definitely feels like AF cramping.  And I have had a couple of headaches, like I always do.  The thing is, I could test tomorrow really.  But I feel happy today.  I've had 2 good days back at work and I'm happy and I "could" be pregnant.  But when I test, it will be all over.  And the depression will come back.  And I'll have to work through 3 painful days of work.  I want to live in denial for just a little longer.  So, I'm not going to test.  My blood test is on Monday, 14dp3dt.  I think I'll wait and test myself on Saturday, 12dp3dt.  Then I can sink into whatever depression my psyche needs.

7dp3dt

I just got back from several days at a cottage.  That was a great way to spend some of the 2WW as I was distracted and relaxed.  Now that we're home, I'm instantly analysing every twinge.  It doesn't help that I got a headache yesterday afternoon and am feeling very "headachey" today too.  Such typical symptoms for me a couple of days before my period.  It's safe to say I'm worried this didn't work.  I'm trying to visualize a happy outcome but all that comes into my head is the depression and fatigue associated with another BFN.  Ahhhh, I need to go back on vacation!

2dp3dt

On Sunday,  we had a 3 day transfer.  We transferred 3 embryos; 8 celled A-, 8 celled B, 6 celled B.  I'm quite disappointed that the 3 times a week acupuncture since April, the Coenzyme Q10 since February, the Inositol since April and the overwhelming amount of vegetables that I have eaten since February obviously didn't increase the egg quality significantly.  I know I have an A- there, but we've had these qualities before.
So the way we're keeping positive about this is, the percentages HAVE to be with us now.  We've had a total of 11 embryos (2 of those 5 days) transferred to us now.  All of them were at least a grade B or grade 2.  So I don't see how we can't be pregnant this time.  I'm trying really hard just to believe we're pregnant.  That also helps me be less bitter about the cramping and discomfort that the progesterone and somewhat-traumatic-retrieval seem to be giving me.  It's all worth it!

A few odd days

On Thursday I had retrieval.  It didn't go quite as easily as my past retrieval's so I haven't been up to blogging until now.
We got 12 oocytes, 8 mature. 5 have fertilized and I've been told today (day 2) that we have 2 4-celled, grade A and a grade A-.  The other 3 are 2-celled.  2 are grade A and 1 grade B.  So transfer will be a 3 day transfer again.  And there will most likely not be any freezing.  I guess switching clinics didn't change my egg quality magically.
I had a lot of bleeding after retrieval.  A LOT.  They kept me there 3 hours longer than normal b/c of the bleeding and a bout of low blood pressure.  I then bled all yesterday too.  It stopped last night.  I was supposed to go back in this morning if the bleeding hadn't stopped, but it did.  In total though, I bled more  than I do during my periods.  I had a lot more pain this time too.  This was the first time that I had anesthetic so I wasn't awake for the procedure, but the pain following had me ready to pass out for a couple of hours until they gave me demerol!   I haven't needed any meds before so I found that odd.  No one knew why I had the extreme pain or why I had so much bleeding.  Today the nurse told me that maybe I got my period early.  This was the most insane answer I could have expected.  When I pointed out to her that I wouldn't have a lining for tomorrow's transfer then, she backtracked and seemed confused.
We've had far too much experience with IVF to not find all of these things strange.  So tomorrow when we're there for the 3-day transfer we're going to start the whole process looking for answers.  I don't want to go ahead with a transfer if something is wrong.  I think we need an explanation for these things before we transfer our little embyros.  Should we be trying to get them to freeze instead of transferring? Ahhh...new problems.

CD11

So, moving onward.
They aren't as focused on the numbers at my new clinic.  And because I'm getting so much one-on-one support, I trust them, and am therefore not as focused on the numbers.  My estradiol looks like I should get about 8-12 but that's the closest that I got to an estimation.
Otherwise, I have about 5 at 16mm on the right and 2 around that size on the left, with several smaller ones (they didn't measure them but they look about 10mm ish).  We go back tomorrow to see if I'm ready to trigger tomorrow night.  But it could be another day still.
I'm feeling good and getting good vibes from everyone at the clinic.  So we'll see.

I don't know what to title this post

My assistant just told me she's pregnant.  It's very early and she doesn't want anyone to know, but she was kind enough to tell me now (just in case this IVF fails and she has to tell me then - which is what happened with my receptionist last September).  I'm so confused, as I always am.  I am sincerely happy for her, and it's very kind she thought to tell me quietly.
The jealousy isn't about HER, it's about her getting to go through this amazing thing, and not getting to do it myself.  I work so closely with her, and I'm going to share in some of this experience with her, and it breaks my heart a little.  Fuck, infertility is so hard.

CD 7 -It's always different

I thought that I would start to see some sort of a pattern, this being my 4th IVF.  Today I had 6 on the right, 3 on the left at about 10mm in size.  There were a few little ones but the Dr. said "we don't care about them, it's the 9 that are all the same size we care about".  I said something about not responding very well this time, since last time I had 23 counted on day 7.  But the Dr. has assured me that THIS is a normal cycle and he feels good about these numbers.  He feels that we'll get 8-10 all developing at the same time, and therefore should be good quality.
He could tell I was still upset, and spent some extra time with me.  This would never have happened at the old clinic.  He explained to me that the last cycle I was overstimulated and you never want an estradiol number as high as mine.  He said "that cycle was a complication" and I need to forget about those numbers.  Apparently I should be happy about 9 today.
And so I will be.  I mean, there's nothing I can do right?  It's not like I'm going to quit the cycle now.  So all I can do is hope that some of these eggs are good enough quality to make a baby.

CD 3 - attempt #4

All is quiet on the ultrasound.  I had several little follicles to see, but there won't be any counting until Thursday.  My blood work is as expected, so I start stimulating tonight.  So IVF is currently dominating our lives again.  Hopefully, after this round, we'll be able to move forward with our lives.