Oh no..

We've just been invited to a family "thing" that has the potential to be quite awful. A cousin and his wife are home for a few weeks from Hong Kong. They had their first baby last summer. His brother and his wife have a 2 year old, concieved shortly after we started trying.
In short, I feel uncomfortable with this part of the family b/c I am significantly older than my cousins. Their mother has, several times, said "i want to see you hold the baby, so we see how you look with one". I know that going to this dinner is going to be a night full of people making comments to me about having a baby. I don't share my infertility issues with anyone in that room, so I just have to smile and take it.
I'm in a good place right now. Excited and hopeful. But the second I got this e-vite my stomach sunk. Problem is, LAST year when they were home and she was pregnant, I faked a migraine and cancelled. I can't believe I'm here a year later. Not sure what to do...

Appointment

I am feeling positive and excited. The doc answered all of my questions with patience and I felt I got the answers I needed.
Basically, we're trying again with the same protocol. The last cycle worked well to get my egg production but the quality wasn't great. She said she would have expected more blastocysts by day 5 since I started with 9 eggs. I'm going to start taking a dietary supplement that is currently being researched to improve egg quality. It is the most expensive supplement i've ever taken, but hopefully worth it. The problem with the supplement is it may not help until I've been taking it for 5 months. I figure I'll start taking it now in case it can help, and if this cycle fails it will definately be in my system for the next cycle.
We talked about "when to stop". She seemed pretty genuine in saying that she is still hopeful this can work. If the sane thing happens in the next cycle, she may not be as positive but for now, thinks it's reasonable to continue with IVF.
So I start estrace in mid-February and should be starting my next IVF cycle by the end of February.
We both feel good about this cycle. I'm going to take baby aspirin too, because I gigue it can't hurt.
Oh and she said we'll do a day 3 transfer of 3 or 4 embryos (unless I get a surprising amount of embryos). She figures there is no point in going to day 5 with so few embryos and 2 unsuccessful cycles.
So 3 weeks to lose another 3-4lbs. I'm done with the caffeine again(not like ice been drinking much) and increasing my veggies/fruit and protein intake.
I think this one is it!

Once again

Not pregnant.
It's hard to imagine myself pregnant now.
My IVF follow up appointment is in 2 days though, so I'm excited about that. It will be nice to have a plan for the next try.

Cramps

9dpo and I'm getting the typical cramps. Not that I believe that I can get pregnant naturally, but always hopeful. But surprise surprise! Feels like it will be over in a day or 2.
One positive, my appointment with the doc is next week which will probably be CD3 or 4. I can ask for a antral follicle count on a free cycle. Woo hoo! More information that doesn't really matter.

Just a little mid-month note

Just back from our trip to Florida.  The weather was nice for a few days, but even on the not-nice days it was a great trip.  We had a good time with our friends, saw some cool stuff, and totally relaxed.  I have to say, for the first week in probably a year or more, I thought of TTC less than 5 times.  It still came into my thoughts a few times, but not much.  We got home last night and I STILL forgot to take my BBT (I didn't even take the thermometer on holiday).

So back to work tomorrow.  I'm not looking forward to it but I'm not dreading it either.  My goal is to really get some things accomplished with my clients over the next 6 weeks.  I'd like to go he extra mile for a while, since I feel like I've been a little half-assed lately.  

Next Dr. appointment Feb 3rd.  Then we'll see what next.

CD1

And, back to CD1.
It's some evil Deja-Vu.
Or some never ending merry-go-round.
But I'm ok.  I don't honestly believe I can conceive naturally anyway.
And Sunday we're off to Florida where the weather is at least warmer than here.

My thought process today

Being in a good mood this weekend, I thought, maybe I will be one of those people who get naturally pregnant after IVF.  Maybe THIS will be the month.  I mean, it happens.  Why not for us?
I googled pregnancy after IVF this weekend and see that it does happen.  I then read that it's extremely rare, but then even MORE rare if your diagnosis is "unexplained infertility".
So then I returned to an old question; "what the fuck is unexplained infertility?" I call bullshit on this diagnosis.  There HAS to be a reason.  Why can't they find it?  Isn't my low ovarian reserve the reason?  Or my short luteal phase?  Come on!
So it's 9dpo which means I might have a day or 2 left in this cycle, the first following IVF attempt #2.  I don't feel depressed about the cramps tonight though.  Just fucking pissed off.
It's -19 outside and my dogs want to go for a walk.  Nothing like the cold to snap me out of my funk.