Infertility

I'm not sure what I want to say.
But tomorrow everything changes.

Tomorrow is what we've been waiting for, for at least the last 4 and a half years, if not for most of our lives. It seems unreal today. Even though I've felt the babies kicking and rolling for months. My belly has gotten bigger and bigger. The pains in my groin, my back, my hands. It just seems unreal that this turns into babies.

All the ups and downs, the hope and the depression. I really did feel it would never happen. Several times. I started to imagine my life without this dream. And all I could see was endless sadness.

My husband and I grew closer, I believe. But what would have happened if we were never successful?

Infertility is unique. No one can really understand it, unless faced with it. No one can see it. There are worse things in this world. But often it doesn't feel that way.

I still feel twinges of jealousy when people announce their easy road to pregnancy. I still feel anger at people asking me private questions about our family. I feel sadness for people that I know who are still "stuck". I believe this will never go away.

Some people think my husband and I don't seem excited enough. We are. It's just unreal. And after everything, I think these babies need to be in our arms before we can really release.

I've visualized and imagined this life change for so long now but I can't really imagine it, can I?

Tomorrow, everything changes.

And, if you can believe it, still going..

The csection is officially booked for the 11th. And with no signs of labour, and reasonable cord blood flow this week, it looks like we're going to make it. Can you believe it? I'm 37 weeks today. Both babies are measuring over 2000g now which means we most likely won't need any NICU time.
I'm so excited! The time is almost here.

Still going...

I am still in the hospital, the babies are still little but doing well, and my life is too boring for much of an update!
As of today, the Dr. thinks my c-section will be Monday or Tuesday but I'll know for sure after a growth scan on Saturday. So much for a Canada Day birthday!
They check the umbilical cord flow everyday, along with fetal heart monitoring every 4 hrs. So it's pretty reassuring. The food sucks, and I'm officially bored (although my iPhone/ipad combo is very helpful) but I am pretty happy to have universal health care at the moment. It's nice not to have to worry about money while this is going on.
I love my dr. and nurses, so that's good stuff.
Alright, that's all I've got!

Update

So there isn't much to say. I'm laying around most of the day. Life is the hospital is pretty boring. But so far, the daily ultrasounds have still shown just an intermittent blood flow issue. As long as it is continuous, the babies stay in. Now I'm still not sure if that will keep up after 35 weeks. Since the babies just aren't growing a lot, the 35 week mark may trigger delivery.
Now that the weekday staff is back, I'm hoping to get that answered.
So, all's well!

Admitted

Well, I've been admitted to the high risk maternity ward. Baby A is now in the 10 percentile but more importantly, his cord is having a blood flow problem. So u/s daily now and if it worsens at all, they deliver. Doc thinks anytime from 1 to 10 days.
So definitely NICU time. Right now our little guy is 3lbs 10 oz and the bigger guy is only 4lbs 2 oz. I know they should be ok. We're at 34 weeks. Just wish we'd go a little longer.
And man, I'm hot in this hospital!

Little babies

I have little babies in there. Baby A is now in only the 14th percentile (dropping steadily from 30 over the past couple of months). It means he is 2 weeks behind and only 3lbs.
Baby B is 3 lbs 9 oz which is better, in the 30th percentile.
Apparently this drop is quite normal with twins, it's just happening a little early AND the babies are starting out so small.
So they will be born early. I've been worried about it but am wrapping my head around it now. The Dr thinks we have 2 more weeks, so grow babies grow!

Almost 30 weeks!

I'm getting a lot of third trimester issues, but it doesn't bother me too much. I mean, everything is temporary and it's all for a very good reason!!  Here's my list:
I developed carpal tunnel syndrome a couple of weeks ago and it's pretty annoying now, but livable.
 My newest heartburn medication is awesome.  Although I still have reflux, at least it doesn't hurt.  It DOES still wake me up at night, sometimes in a raging coughing fit that ends up in vomiting.
My ribs often hurt, obviously just from being stretched.
And may back hurts when I walk further than about 20 metres.
But like I said, when you know it's temporary, nothing seems like that big of a deal.
Tomorrow we're off to the doctor again.  2 weeks ago, baby B dropped in size again.  They still aren't worried though.  Apparently I just have small babies.  This, of course, makes me worry they won't be 5 lbs when born, but what can you do?
And I had a baby shower on Sunday.  It was fun and cute and VERY weird to accept that it was for me.  Some infertility feelings may just never go away.