Our plan

We're going to do it one more time.  The Dr. at our clinic says that 5 tries is "the old college try" and after 5 it's just not a great investment.  So, that will take place around the end of October.  I'm going to start the bcp whenever my CD1 arrives.

As for our mental health, we've talked with a councillor who confirmed our thoughts that maybe we should  have a back up plan.  So we talked with our Dr. today about other options to make sure we will have a family someday.  

As of today we have a few back up plans in the works.  

1. We've contacted CCRM for a phone consult.  Basically, we're having a difficult time with the whole "unexplained" diagnosis.  We've done 4 IVFs and are no closer to a diagnosis.  Both of our RE's have used lovely catch phases like "it is what it is" and "welcome to human nature".  Today we were told that IVF is just like rolling the dice and we have most likely just been on the other side of the stats for our cycles.  Yet, these doctors don't seem frustrated that their profession has a black hole of knowledge.  We just want to hear the Dr. at CCRM say the same thing as our newer RE.  Then, I guess we'll have to believe that there is just no more information to be gained or explanations to be had.

2. We have learned the process of donor eggs and have a somewhat local contact.  The problem with this plan is that we don't actually know if it's my eggs or his sperm that is causing embryo failure.  But still, this is a plan to think about and see if we're comfortable with it.

3. Adoption - the word is out there now and we've been mulling it over.  I have a contact through my mom who I'm hoping to get some preliminary questions answered through.  We'd like to know how long it can take, how much it costs and what the first steps are.  I would like to have contact information for an adoption agency before going into this IVF, so if we fail again we can start this process ASAP.

So now that we have some plans, I instantly feel more sane.  I continue to have my emotional issues from spending the work days with pregnant co-workers and client's who want to know why I'm not a mother.  But we have a plan so someday, hopefully, we'll be able to look back on these dark days and be proud of ourselves for getting through them.

Where I'm "at"

First, thanks guys.
Emotionally, I'm better than I was after the 3rd failed IVF.  I think I'm just more tired then I am sad.  I work with 5 people in my little clinic, and 2 of them are pregnant.  Their bellies are growing and they look so cute and happy and I want it so much.  But, I'm coming to realize that it may not ever happen.  We are meeting with the RE in a week or so and will make the next plan.  It may include another IVF or maybe it will be the start of adoption or egg donation plans.  I really don't know right now.
I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging for the next while.  I had really (naively) started this blog to document our first IVF and then my pregnancy and such.  I just don't know if I want to blog now.

It's over

Another failed IVF.  I didn't even have to test this time.
So we're still "stuck", never moving forward.

I can't do it

I have had cramping for a few days now.  The cramping felt "different" to me, more sharp and not constant.  But tonight it definitely feels like AF cramping.  And I have had a couple of headaches, like I always do.  The thing is, I could test tomorrow really.  But I feel happy today.  I've had 2 good days back at work and I'm happy and I "could" be pregnant.  But when I test, it will be all over.  And the depression will come back.  And I'll have to work through 3 painful days of work.  I want to live in denial for just a little longer.  So, I'm not going to test.  My blood test is on Monday, 14dp3dt.  I think I'll wait and test myself on Saturday, 12dp3dt.  Then I can sink into whatever depression my psyche needs.

7dp3dt

I just got back from several days at a cottage.  That was a great way to spend some of the 2WW as I was distracted and relaxed.  Now that we're home, I'm instantly analysing every twinge.  It doesn't help that I got a headache yesterday afternoon and am feeling very "headachey" today too.  Such typical symptoms for me a couple of days before my period.  It's safe to say I'm worried this didn't work.  I'm trying to visualize a happy outcome but all that comes into my head is the depression and fatigue associated with another BFN.  Ahhhh, I need to go back on vacation!

2dp3dt

On Sunday,  we had a 3 day transfer.  We transferred 3 embryos; 8 celled A-, 8 celled B, 6 celled B.  I'm quite disappointed that the 3 times a week acupuncture since April, the Coenzyme Q10 since February, the Inositol since April and the overwhelming amount of vegetables that I have eaten since February obviously didn't increase the egg quality significantly.  I know I have an A- there, but we've had these qualities before.
So the way we're keeping positive about this is, the percentages HAVE to be with us now.  We've had a total of 11 embryos (2 of those 5 days) transferred to us now.  All of them were at least a grade B or grade 2.  So I don't see how we can't be pregnant this time.  I'm trying really hard just to believe we're pregnant.  That also helps me be less bitter about the cramping and discomfort that the progesterone and somewhat-traumatic-retrieval seem to be giving me.  It's all worth it!

A few odd days

On Thursday I had retrieval.  It didn't go quite as easily as my past retrieval's so I haven't been up to blogging until now.
We got 12 oocytes, 8 mature. 5 have fertilized and I've been told today (day 2) that we have 2 4-celled, grade A and a grade A-.  The other 3 are 2-celled.  2 are grade A and 1 grade B.  So transfer will be a 3 day transfer again.  And there will most likely not be any freezing.  I guess switching clinics didn't change my egg quality magically.
I had a lot of bleeding after retrieval.  A LOT.  They kept me there 3 hours longer than normal b/c of the bleeding and a bout of low blood pressure.  I then bled all yesterday too.  It stopped last night.  I was supposed to go back in this morning if the bleeding hadn't stopped, but it did.  In total though, I bled more  than I do during my periods.  I had a lot more pain this time too.  This was the first time that I had anesthetic so I wasn't awake for the procedure, but the pain following had me ready to pass out for a couple of hours until they gave me demerol!   I haven't needed any meds before so I found that odd.  No one knew why I had the extreme pain or why I had so much bleeding.  Today the nurse told me that maybe I got my period early.  This was the most insane answer I could have expected.  When I pointed out to her that I wouldn't have a lining for tomorrow's transfer then, she backtracked and seemed confused.
We've had far too much experience with IVF to not find all of these things strange.  So tomorrow when we're there for the 3-day transfer we're going to start the whole process looking for answers.  I don't want to go ahead with a transfer if something is wrong.  I think we need an explanation for these things before we transfer our little embyros.  Should we be trying to get them to freeze instead of transferring? Ahhh...new problems.