Monday, November 30, 2009

4

So apparently another one fertilized and was just slow. Four is better than three. My clinic does day 3 transfers with 4 or less but I really want to wait until day 5. Since the evidence is inconclusive, it makes more sense to me to leave them in the petri dish, where they are doing well, then transfer them when they are blastocysts. Blastocysts have a much higher rate of implantation. I know this may mean that they all die in the petri dish but I feel they would have died in the uterus anyway. I have found no evidence that can say whether or not we know this isn't true. Obviously this is a discussion I have to have with the doctor tomorrow. So I don't know if tomorrow is transfer day or not. We also made an appointment with the councillor for tomorrow. My husband is concerned that I am too depressed with every negative. I definately AM but I feel I bounce back quickly. I don't think he feels any of this depression so he thinks it's not reasonable. Needless to say, it makes sense we talk to the IVF councillor.
So that's tomorrow.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

And then there were 3

What a change in mood I can have in just one day.  Only 6 were mature, and then only 3 fertilized, even with ICSI.  Apparently my egg quality sucked.  So a lot more medication, many more trips to the clinic and in the end we got the same number as last time.  I feel the protocol was wasted.  I feel depressed and have little hope that any of the 3 will make it.  I don't want them put in on day 3 because I'd rather accept it on day 5 if they die before they make to to blast, instead of wondering for the next 2 weeks if one implanted.  I feel like I care about nothing.  I'm bored with my job and all of my life plans b/c the only thing I've really wanted for years is to have a baby.  I know that this depression will pass, and I know I should be hopeful about the 3 (if they even exist tomorrow) embryos that live in a petri dish a couple of hours away.  But for now, I can't imagine how that feels.  I'm so tired of this disappointment.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Good Day

We got 9! That's a pretty big improvement from 3.
It wasn't as sore as last time either. I still felt each stab, obviously but it didn't make me want to cry. I did however cry when told we had 9. I blame the meds. :)
Tomorrow we'll find out how many were mature and fertilized. So at least today, I am happy and hopeful.

Friday, November 27, 2009

HCG

I took it yesterday. Retrieval tomorrow. I asked which doc, which I shouldn't have. It's the mean doc. Figures! I've had 4 other great docs over the past 2 weeks, and on the most important day I get the doc I don't like.
Oh well, positive thoughts only right?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Lots of driving

CD7- to the clinic as reported in my last post
CD8- returned to the clinic, 8 follicles but they're small, told to start ganirelex that night
CD10- back to the clinic, everything is progressing well, 9 follicles and a couple of tiny ones added. In the late afternoon I was called and told my blood work was high so I had to come back the next day.
CD11-back to clinic, my follicles that were all growing about 1mm a day jumped up about 3mm since yesterday. There are definately 9 good ones and a couple of little ones that are probably joining the game too late. One of the 9 is most likely the old cyst too. So 8?? That's better than 3 last time.

Tomorrow is CD12 and guess what? We're going back to the clinic. Apparently they'll know tomorrow if it's time to trigger.

So 5 trips in 6 days. That's a 2 hour drive both ways, bright and early in the morning. We get back in time for a 1 hour nap and then I head to work for 5 hours. Needless to say, it's been a long and tiring week. And I just LOVE that I'm supposed to be "relaxed" during this lovely time. PLEASE, let this work...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Deflated

I have been excited and hopeful. But I was really deflated today at the day 7 u/s. The doc counted 4 on the right, 3 on the left, and none bigger than 12mm. So there are less now (although I know there are probably some tiny ones there) and they're progressing even slower than last time. I have to go back tomorrow. It is stressful to have to drive 1.5 to 2 hrs there and back almost every day. And I guess planning Mon/Wed/Fri mornings off this week was off the mark, therefore more stress with the work schedule changes. The doc said "it looks a lot like last cycle" which is pretty depressing since I'm not pregnant from that cycle. I have a feeling this is a waste of our money and I am just not a good responder to IVF. But if I admit that, then what?
One day at a time though. Maybe tomorrow will have better news.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Dizziness

I had a rough morning. I was so light headed I had to lay down on the kitchen floor 3 times during my morning needles. Twice, I had to take to take the needle out so I didn't pass out on it. So I had a total of 5 needle punctures this morning. I have low BP but the meds must be adding to this because I never feel this faint. Or I guess it could have just been a side effect that won't bother me again. I hope tomorrow is better.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

IVF#2 underway

So I had 10 follicles yesterday, not counting the cyst on the right. I hoped it would be more but at least it's a better start than last time.
I started 300 puregon and 75 menopur yesterday. It's like a little chemistry class mixing up the menopur. And b/c I want to use every last bit of the expensive puregon it means that is usually 2 needles. So I'm giving myself a lot of needles already and the ganirelix doesn't start until Saturday.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Excited

Tomorrow is the day 3 antral follicle count. I'm feeling positive and hoping for lucky number 13!
And we pick up our brand new CRV tomorrow on the way home. I bought my first car 9 years ago when I finished grad school. It's served me well, but had no "extras". This one is supped up! Exciting.
And the back door opens up to 90^ so all I need now is the baby to put in it.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

CD1

I've made the phone call and am awaiting call back with my appointment time on Tuesday. IVF #2 here we come!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Waiting for CD 1

Cramps for the past 2 days but nothing yet. So I've had 6 days of estrace so far and will probably get tomorrows dose in too. Who knew I'd ever be excited about getting an antral follicle count? Infertility sucks.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Estrogen starts!

I start "priming" today. There is so much less stress starting up this IVF cycle b/c I have a student at work and she can continue with my clients when I'm off at appointments. And I know what to expect.
Starting my positive thinking...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Appointment I've Been Waiting For

The short version is, it went well. I feel really good with our answers and am excited to start priming with estrace in 5 days (day 21). I had 13 follicles on u/s again today so maybe the retrieval numbers will be higher this time.

I have to write a long version too. Partly b/c I am talkative and partly b/c I laughed about 3 times today, and that's surprising at these appointments.
Our doc went through our IVF attempt and we discussed what worked/what didn't and why it might have failed. Apparently they just did rounds on low ovarian reserve and she wants to try the estrogen priming protocol with me. She said we shouldn't start the next cycle until January b/c I'm probably too late to start priming now (and the next cycle would run into the Xmas break). I asked how it was that I was going to start a cycle 2 weeks ago, and now she's saying January. She was shocked that the orders said to start in October and admitted she made a mistake. Really, I'm not upset with this mistake, b/c "it happens" but I told her that I was upset with the nursing staff whom I called 3 different times to clarify these orders with. They were irritated that I asked saying thing like "the doctor wouldn't order a cycle if she didn't think you were ready" and empty comments like that. Today our doc said, "to be honest, I think someone told me you were desparate to start a new cycle and I didn't realize you JUST finished one". I laughed b/c I specifically asked a nurse once that I was cancerned she was starting me on a new cycle too early b/c I had cried on day 1 after a failed IVF and didn't want to wait 4 months to start again. That nurse was pissed at me, think it absurd that a doc would make a decision based on that. Why the fuck, didn't ANY one of the nurses I spoke with ever go back to the doc and question these orders? Idiots.
Something fun to share with other TTCers who know what every twinge, CM, and temp change means; doc said she wanted to u/s me to see what cycle day I was on, therefore whether or not it was too late to start estrace. Docs never believe I know my cycle that well, but I told her anyway. "I have eggwhite CM still but felt twinges on my left ovary so I think I'm ovulating today. Remember I have a cyst on my right so if you see a large follicle there, it's not b/c I'm about to ovulate". She laughed and I doubt she believed me. But the u/s showed a corpus luteum and fresh fluid at the left suggesting I ovulated last night. I love being right about this shit since doc after doc thinks they know more than I do about my cycles!
And my final "funny" thing revolved around our feeling of poor communication with the doc during and after IVF. We had several times in the past couple of months where i wanted a real answer instead of the nurses "im sure it will be ok" or "everythings normal" crap. She was awesome with our complaints, again apologetic about the mix up with her orders for early IVF, but wrote down that if we want, we can ask for her to call us to answer any questions during this cycle. Now that we've been through it, we probably won't gave any for her, but it's nice to have the option. She also thanked us for the feedback and it seemed genuine. So we go into the meeting with the nurse re: medication education and she says "I see here that there was a communication problem with your first cycle. What's that about?". My first instinct was to say "none of your f'ing business" b/c it's been worked out and I was feeling good. Instead I told her briefly about the doc putting down the wrong orders, me knowing it, but 3 different nurses telling me nothing was wrong. Nurse responds "well, that's the doctors fault, it's not our fault". My husband said sarcastically (which only I picked up on) "yeah yeah, it definately wasn't your fault" which made me stiffle giggles for the rest of that meeting. She thought it was SO important to find blame, instead of just learning from the issue. I was very pleasant the whole time too, so she wasn't just responding to my tone. Whatever. I assume this whole IVF cycle will be followed with the orders "communication problem" now which will be interesting to watch how I'm treated.

Off to order up the next batch of IVF meds...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Questions for the doc

So Tuesday is our "follow up" appointment with the doctor.  It's crazy to think I was possibly going to start IVF again 2 weeks ago, and my follow up is only this week.  My questions (they'll sound much less formal in the office):
1. How is this new protocol going to increase my ovarian production?  I want to know the science, I always do.
2. How are we going to make sure I don't have a cyst on my right ovary again?  I don't want this cycle cancelled.  (I am aware that they can't just wave a wand to get rid of my cyst, I just don't like that it hasn't been acknowledged that I always have a cyst on u/s).
3. My period was really light after IVF, just as it always is.  I was told it would be heavy.  Couldn't this affect implantation?
I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting some answers.  Then we'll order our next dose of medications and wait for this cycle to end.
I'm ovulating yesterday/today or tomorrow, so I'm half way through the cycle.  Of course, I always have quiet hopes that we'll get pregnant on our own but at least I'm planning ahead now.