Quick update

Nothing new to report here. We're still waiting for our consult and ultrasound on the 6th. I am finally starting to gain some weight and seem to be redistributing the weight I already had. The belly is building.
I can't believe we're going to have babies this summer! Wow, I think I had given up hope.

Feeling more optimistic

It's sinking in now.  I'm generally thinking positive.  Now that I've educated myself a little, I feel a bit more in control.  I feel good that I can control my diet and my work duties/hours.  I can't control the fact that I'm quite short and have not had a previously stretched uterus.  So I have plusses and minuses for carrying triplets.  We're obviously going to be dealing with premies, so I'm trying to get my head around the worry that comes with that.  
Our Dr. appt is January 6th.  It sounds like we'll be talking about the risks and whether or not we should "reduce".  I don't know what he could tell us now that would make us choose to reduce, but we'll see.
My symptoms are very light and easy.  I am very tired and still very short of breath.  But I do not have nausea! (knock wood).  I don't have as big of an appetite as I'd like so I eat less at each sitting, but I'm making myself eat every 3 hours anyway.  Oddly enough, I've only gained 1 pound so far.  Although, my belly is a little bigger so I don't totally get that.  I'm apparently supposed to gain 30-40lbs by week 20 so now being in the middle of week 8, I have a lot to gain.  I'm going for 2lbs a week and we'll see how it goes.
And now we just wait.  And eat.

Thoughts..and the protocol info

We're just waiting for a consult with a specialist in "multiples" right now. I feel overwhelmed. It seems we've just jumped into another situation where we'll worry all the time. There are just so many health risks for triplets. I feel like this news has taken away my excitement over finally getting pregnant. What is wrong with me?
The IVF dr. was annoying. He pointed out that they suggested only 2 should be transferred. Not to argue, but just to give feedback, we reminded him how we had 4 previously failed cycles where the dr was ALWAYS optimistic, even when they obviously shouldn't have been. So apparently THIS time they were right. How were we to believe that after all the failures. And why didn't we go to day 5 transfer if they were so optimistic? He basically just reminded us that they were right. Annoying. But whatever, that doesn't matter now.
I totally think the difference in quality had to be the protocol. I have been good with my diet, supplements and all the little neurotic things for 1.5 years. The only thing significant that I think changed was the protocol. Maybe it was just chance or stats, but why did all 3 implant and 3 more freeze? Odd thing though, the protocol was not a normal one. He just decided to use 2 meds almost exactly the same to get me more LH. I was worried it was all guess work at the time.
Repronex 225
Menopur 150
Funny how many people are told LH early on decreases quality yet the only thing that worked for me is MORE LH. Are they just totally guessing in IVF?

Insanity

It's triplets.
How do we go from never having anything implant, to this?
It's such a crazy mix of emotions.  My thoughts are all over the place.
I'm happy to see heartbeats.  But I'm overwhelmed there are 3 heartbeats.  I am so worried about the risks for health problems with triplets.
I need to collect information and educate myself.
I need to figure out how this changes my plan for work (as a self-employed, business owner)
We'll need to move sometime.  My house is too small.
My head is just bouncing from one thought to the next.
And I never saw myself with 3 children...
We just need some time to process.

Third beta

28 dpo - 20,136.
That seems good. The doubling time is still a little slow (52 hrs) but that sounds pretty normal.
Ultrasound scheduled this Thursday, 6w5d. I didn't think it would be until next week. So that's exciting!

Nothing much

Again, thanks for the comments. They were helpful. We've been on vacation this week and it's been great. I have cramping somewhat frequently but it lasts only minutes so I only worry for minutes. Other symptoms are very minor right now and I guess that makes sense since I'm not even at 6w yet.
Tomorrow I get my third blood test and will wait (patiently?) for the results on Monday. Then the ultrasound. I can be patient, I can!

Worried?

My clinic doesn't really care about doubling time. Their protocol is to do one blood test a week and as long as it's still increasing within a large range of normal, u/s is scheduled for the next week.
So my 14dpo beta was 335.
The 20dpo beta was 1593.
This is in the range of normal but it is a big drop. And it means the doubling time is only 61hrs. They say they don't care about that but DON'T we?
Hummm

Inappropriate thoughts

A client of mine just finished her first IVF about a week before me.  She talked openly about it the whole time, I obviously didn't say a word about mine.  She is pregnant.  She never thought she wouldn't be.  I am happy for her.  I think it's great that she didn't have to go through the heartache and depression that several failed IVFs bring with it.  But I have this feeling of jealousy too.  How f'd up is that?  Getting to IVF is hell enough.   I don't wish this on anyone (although I may wish that everyone could experience just ONE negative pee stick so that they could possibly understand that it is disappointing).
It just really rubbed me the wrong way today when she said she was going to "try to be healthy now".  She is going to "cut down on caffeine and sugar and try to eat less fast food".  I just can't believe that she never did this before, struggling with infertility and being forced to do IVF.  I guess she didn't have to.  It's just hard to hear "IVF is so hard, having to give yourself painful needles everyday".  I can't say I even think of the needles as a difficulty.  It's the time and the emotional highs and lows and the worrying constantly through the 2WW.
It definitely helped that I am currently pregnant.  I don't know how I would have taken that conversation if this IVF had failed too.

Thanks

Thank you for all your comments. We have barely told anyone about our TTC and IVF attempts, so we definitely aren't talking about this. It's nice to have a blogging community to talk about it. My co-workers, who surely would have known about IVF #5 due to my change in schedule, have let me keep my pseudo-privacy since IVF #3. I wonder if they'll pick up on my change of mood or not.
I did tell my mom and dad. They have watched us go through some pretty dark days so I had to tell them this great news.
I would prefer a singleton but will not complain if there are more in there. How crazy to go from more than 30 failed natural cycles and 4 failed IVFs, to my first ever beta of 335 (whatever that number may mean)
Thanks again guys.

beta

mine was 335
What's a normal day 14 beta?  I know I could look but I'm at work.

Weird feeling

Thanks everyone!
I guess this takes a long time to sink in?  I keep having little bouts of feeling happy, relieved, relaxed, but in general I think it's hard to believe.  Every month I think my 2WW feels a little different, and then it starts feeling the same.  This time it never felt the same.  I didn't have daily headaches and I never had steady cramps.  That bloated feeling since Tuesday, I've never felt.  Still, it was very scary to test.
So, having never bought anything re: pregnancy, I have now bought 3 books.  One has some great recipes so I did a special grocery trip to buy some different items.  Now I'll wait until the beta results before I buy anything else.  I had my first blood test Friday so I'll get the results sometime Monday afternoon (it takes 1.5 regular working days to get blood results in my shitty little city).
I'm pregnant!

Pregnant!

My first ever :)

9dp3dt - babbling

Work is busy and therefore I am easily getting through the days. The evenings, though, seem to be about over thinking every sensation. I SWEAR I am feeling different things than I usually do. My concern is that I always think I'm feeling different things. I have cramps of different sorts but they don't seem like my usual steady ache. I had a headache yesterday but it came on suddenly and left really quickly too. The weirdest thing is this tightening I feel all through my upper abdominal muscles. When I stand up straight I feel so much tightness. Isn't it too early for a symptom like that.
As of today, I'm feeling hopeful anyway. So we're not testing until Saturday. That way, if it's a negative result, I don't have to go to work and try to be nice to people.

6dp3dt - slowly going crazy

I am trying to keep busy but all I think about are my cramps/twinges, my what ifs, my past failures.  I am an emotional wreck today.  I feel like a headache is starting and that is what ALWAYS happens on day 9 or 10 of my luteal phase.  And cramps are steadily there.  I know that some people feel these symptoms and get BFPs but I also know that I feel these symptoms and get BFNs.
What if these great little embyros can't implant either.  The plan was, with a 5th failed IVF, we would move toward adoption.  And we will, but it isn't feeling like an exciting option right when I'm in the thick of the 2WW.   I felt so elated with 3 frozen embryos but we've had a couple of good quality ones before.  We've probably had one every cycle, and they've never implanted.  I don't think my uterus allows it to happen.  My uterus is against me.  I feel these cramps and this mild headache and I feel depressed and worried.
It's a good thing that I have a crazy busy week at work.  Hopefully I can stop obsessing.

Excited

We have 3 frozen embryos! 3! Absolutely none in 4 IVFs and now 3. That HAS to be a good sign about the ones transferred doesn't it? Well, at least quality wasn't an issue this time. Now I just have to hope my uterus knows what to do.

Positivity from here on out! (or at least for the 2ww)

Maybe there IS reason for some hope this time. The quality of the embryos is much better than we've ever had. Today all were graded A or A- except 1 that was a B. We transferred 3 8-celled, one already showing some "compacting" apparently. That is definitely the best day 3 transfer we've had. There is also somewhat of a chance that 3 others could freeze, and we've always been very certain that wouldn't happen due to poor quality.
Apparently this clinic only goes to day 5 if there are 5 at 4-cells on day 2. Today with only 4 at 8-cells, and with us transferring 3, I guess it didn't make a lot of sense to wait.
So today at least, I'm optimistic and cheerful. I am taking on the role of petri dish and am going to watch tv and read all day.

Now for my records, since I always refer back in my blog:
Transferred
8c-A
8c-A-, compacting
8c-A-
Remaining
8c-B
7c-A
6c-A-
4c-A
4c-A
4c-A-

day 2 update

I'm not sure how I feel.  We still have 9 going and apparently only 1 of the 9 isn't "excellent" quality.  But I don't really know what "excellent" quality is.  Only 3 are 4-celled and the other 6 are 2-celled.  I have read in medical journals that predictive outcomes can be based on day 2 information and that they should be 4-celled (even if my REs always tell my 2-celled is normal too).  So I guess I'm disappointed that only 3 are 4-celled.
A day 3 transfer again.  I am just not destined to have a day 5 transfer.  I don't get to hear "2 perfect blasts" for transfer.  But I know there are worse outcomes.  I'm not sure anything was going to make me feel that optimistic today actually anyway.  My husband and I were talking yesterday how all we can remember is TTC and having these heartaches.  We can't even imagine getting a positive result.  That's not us being negative, it's just how it is.  That feeling of never being able to progress to the next stage of life.
But that is why we have initiated our first adoption meeting.  It is at the end of January.  Hopefully this IVF will surprise us and change our life, but if it doesn't, at least we have plans to move forward with our life again.

Boooooooooooooooo!

We have 9 fertilized.  I know that I should be happy with that number as I've only had that high of a number once before, but I'm disappointed.  It's just the same stats as every other time, which makes it hard not to imagine that the same stats will be our outcome.  5 were immature, just a little below the average.  5 didn't fertilize (with ICSI), again just a little below the average.  We're always just a little below the average.  And I always hope/think that THIS time we'll be above average and get a surprise number.  Fuck, same stats.  Now I hope/think that we'll be ahead of the stats for day 2 quality.  And day 3.
Hope.
Mo - how long did/do you stay on that inflammation cocktail that CCRM put you on? Is it just before the transfer or do you stay on it for weeks?

Retrieval Complete

19 oocytes.
Everything went smoothly this time.  I'm only as sore as expected and am generally feeling well.
The embryologist met with us before we left.  He was great and said he'll call around 9:00 tomorrow morning to let us know the number of mature eggs and number fertilized.  He said "hopefully we'll be able to get some frozen embryos this time".  It's cute to see him thinking so positive.  He obviously doesn't know our history.

CD12 - Jeesh!

Lots of follicles.  And very high E2.  My last 2 IVFs I had E2 between 15,000 and 17,000 (whatever it is measured in, here in Canada) which is apparently too high and at risk for OHSS.   Today it is 21,000.  So I can not go until day 15 for retrieval.  It will be day 14, Friday.   The follicles looked about the same sizes today but all around 17mm.  I hope they are mature!
I am feeling more uncomfortable than I ever have pre-retrieval.  And it seems I am rather moody b/c I am angry at my husband all to often over the last few days.  I don't think I've really been this moody with my previous cycles.
Change is good right?

CD11 - The Return of the Missing Ovary

I am full of follicles.  They look for the big ones and measure them, but otherwise don't count.  And it wasn't easy for me to count them.  It looks like 7-9 on the left and now that the right ovary has returned, about 8-10 on that one.  So I'm going to get a lot.  Funny how I am on a totally different protocol and medications than IVF #3, yet the numbers look like they'll be around the same.  As for quality, the Dr. today wants to try to go to CD15 for the retrieval to see if I can get more mature oocytes.  My percentage of mature eggs has been rather low, so this is his plan.  HOWEVER, my ovaries may have a different plan.  Currently the follicles are mainly 15mm in size but righty has 2 that are 18mm.  And my estradiol is quite high already.  I guess I have to over-hydrate again to try to avoid OHSS.
I'm to go back tomorrow for another u/s so they can see if it's possible to let them "cook" for another day.  So generally good news.  I'm starting to let myself hope a little, although my brain keeps reminding me that I've had great numbers before.

CD9 - Strange Day

My E2 has jumped up quite a bit.  The Dr. wondered if it jumped up "too much" when he first looked at it but then concluded that I should just keep on the same medication doses.  I triple checked this suggestion with him, so apparently it's nothing to stress over.
But he couldn't find my right ovary!  I was quite irritated with this at the appointment but have since googled it, and I guess it's not THAT uncommon.  I find it odd that anything "new" would happen now that I'm such an IVF veteran.  But there it is; missing right ovary.  Apparently it could be blocked by bowel or something and since it's only CD9 it doesn't matter that much.  Lefty had 7 today instead of 5 and they all looked the same size.  So I'm progressing well (from what they could see).  I'm assuming retrieval will be on Friday.

CD7

On totally new meds but the result today is the same as the last cycle.  I have about 9 follicles stimulating well.  A few more may pick up, like the last time, but 9 is probably the number of mature follicles I'm hoping for.
It's such an odd feeling when you've done this so many time before.  I'm neither disappointed nor excited.  It just is.

Thanks

First, thanks for the comments ladies.  I know that I should probably talk to them about how much it hurts.  My excuse is that I think I could cry, and I really don't want to do that.  I am the boss. We are friends, but but employer/employee friends.  You know?
IVF # 5 has officially commenced.  Yesterday all was quiet in my ovaries, so stimulations started.  I feel hopeful, but not convinced it's possible.  I keep thinking about our back up plans and hoping that will be enough to help us through if it's another negative cycle.

Kicked when I'm down

Negative post...
I work at a small clinic.  There are 6 of us.  2 are pregnant.  I was told about the first pregnancy just after my failed IVF#3.  I was told about the second pregnancy during IVF#4.  Each one hit me, but I am friends with these girls and do feel happy for them.  Their growing bellies do send me some "pangs" of sadness for me, but I ask them questions and purposely try to show interest still.  People just do NOT understand infertility and the depression it causes.  My co-workers know about my infertility and my failed IVFs.  But these girls seem very unaware that comments they make can hurt.  And that I don't want to hear endless chatter about pregnancy when I'm already having a bad day.  But I suck it up, because it's an amazing time for them.   I wait until I get home and then talk it out with my husband, to try to stay sane.  Last weekend, with my thoughts shifting toward the possibility of adoption, I felt renewed hope.  I self-talked that all our clients knew about both pregnancies now and therefore the conversations, at least with the clients, would return to normal.  I can move forward.  I had 2 pretty good days at work this week, feeling positive and renewed.
And then pregnant co-worker number 2 found out she is having twins.  Wow.  I thought client conversations were  pregnancy focused with her being pregnant!  The conversation about twins was overwhelming and painful.  Just yesterday I was told/asked "you better be careful or you might get pregnant!", "are you going to announce a pregnancy now too?" and "how fun is that to be surrounded in all this baby talk?" all in one day.  Wow.  And the twin mom herself saying "I wish I could drink wine", "it's so stressful, it's just something everyday", "where will I put 2 high-chairs?".
Sometimes I wonder how I manage to keep this all secret from the clients.  I really want to snap somedays.  I want to yell "fuck you all.  I'm infertile and depressed about it and you are all insensitive fuckers!".  But I don't.  I suck it up.  And I wait for CD1 to start IVF #5.  And I try to think positively about moving toward adoption.  And I want to cry, all the time.

An Epiphany?

Since our CCRM consult, I've been mulling over what to do with this information.  Do I want to go to Denver?  I know that I want to have a baby, so is this the next step?
I work with clients with spinal cord injuries.  A complete spinal cord injury means that they will not be able to feel or move anything below the level of the injury.  An incomplete spinal cord injury means that they will be able to feel some things and move some muscles below the level of the injury.  Although some incomplete injuries have very small disability, most are nearly as disabled as the person with a complete injury.  Only they see they can move some muscles and they think that means that they should be able to walk.   No one can tell them that they WON'T ever walk again, but most of the time that's the case.  Years ago I realized that often having an incomplete injury was worse than a complete injury, because it meant that the person couldn't move on with their lives.  They couldn't except that this was their life now, and try to move on with a new quality of life.
I'm not comparing infertility to spinal cord injury, but a couple of days ago this information helped me have an epiphany.  I am unable to move on with my life.  I am unable to accept my problem because I keep thinking that something can fix it.  Having "unexplained infertility" means that no one is ever going to tell us that we can never have a baby, but no one really knows if we ever can.  But with 4 failed IVFs, the picture is getting clearer.
I don't want to go through another year of this.  I don't want to go to CCRM and spend another year investigating and trying and hoping and failing.  I'm sad that we've spent so many years "stuck" and unable to do anything but plan around TTC.   
I started Lupron Friday.  IVF #5 starts this next weekend.  But that's it.  After this, I think I can say that I'll be done.  I think it's time to move toward adoption.  Making a decision to adopt means that we can move on, just with a different life plan.

CCRM phone consult

The Dr. was great.  He was friendly but professional.  He came off caring and organized.  After reading through out notes, a little questioning period, and then specifically asking what we wanted from the consult, he came up with 3 things we would do if we follow through with them.
Keep in mind, what we really wanted from this consult is to see if it is true that we are simply "unexplained" and it's like "rolling the dice".  We may or may not be successful just depending on stats.
This Dr. actually said "you've had 11 embryos transferred back with no implantation.  We should be questioning more than the stats".  Our first and second RE have both said "it is what it is".  Good to know at least some of these Dr's care about finding an answer.
So his suggestions are:
1. Genetic analysis (I've already asked for this in June at 1st RE follow up.  The results should be in for our Nov. appt)
2.Sperm chromatin assay.  His reason's for this is consistent with second RE stating that it's mainly the egg quality that matter from day 1-3 but the sperm and egg for 4 onward.  So maybe there is a sperm problem that hasn't been diagnosed.
3. Beta 3 integrin, intrauterine biopsy.   Apparently if this protein isn't present, implantation rates can decrease.
Basically, these suggestions are what is suggested to people who have had multiple miscarriages.
So, I feel good we have some suggestions.  We're very unsure what we will do with these suggestions.  I find it odd that the suggestions for someone who has never had any form of implantation can be put in the same basket as people who have several miscarriages.  But at least it's a theory.

Embarrassed

Today I ordered my medications for IVF #5.  I am not talking about it with anyone but my husband.  I know at least my receptionist must know, as I've scheduled all my mornings off again starting 2.5 weeks from now.  And I know the girls at work will see that I'm not there every morning for 3 weeks.  They will know, and yet I don't want to tell them.  I think I feel embarrassed.  Isn't that odd?
I am sad.
I feel like something is missing in my life.
I feel stuck.
I feel like I'm "on the outside".
I feel longing.
I feel stress and anxiety.
Those feelings all make sense to me.  But now I have this new feeling of embarrassment that I'm doing it AGAIN.  I can't explain it and I hate that it's just another uncomfortable feeling I get to have, but there it is.

Our plan

We're going to do it one more time.  The Dr. at our clinic says that 5 tries is "the old college try" and after 5 it's just not a great investment.  So, that will take place around the end of October.  I'm going to start the bcp whenever my CD1 arrives.

As for our mental health, we've talked with a councillor who confirmed our thoughts that maybe we should  have a back up plan.  So we talked with our Dr. today about other options to make sure we will have a family someday.  

As of today we have a few back up plans in the works.  

1. We've contacted CCRM for a phone consult.  Basically, we're having a difficult time with the whole "unexplained" diagnosis.  We've done 4 IVFs and are no closer to a diagnosis.  Both of our RE's have used lovely catch phases like "it is what it is" and "welcome to human nature".  Today we were told that IVF is just like rolling the dice and we have most likely just been on the other side of the stats for our cycles.  Yet, these doctors don't seem frustrated that their profession has a black hole of knowledge.  We just want to hear the Dr. at CCRM say the same thing as our newer RE.  Then, I guess we'll have to believe that there is just no more information to be gained or explanations to be had.

2. We have learned the process of donor eggs and have a somewhat local contact.  The problem with this plan is that we don't actually know if it's my eggs or his sperm that is causing embryo failure.  But still, this is a plan to think about and see if we're comfortable with it.

3. Adoption - the word is out there now and we've been mulling it over.  I have a contact through my mom who I'm hoping to get some preliminary questions answered through.  We'd like to know how long it can take, how much it costs and what the first steps are.  I would like to have contact information for an adoption agency before going into this IVF, so if we fail again we can start this process ASAP.

So now that we have some plans, I instantly feel more sane.  I continue to have my emotional issues from spending the work days with pregnant co-workers and client's who want to know why I'm not a mother.  But we have a plan so someday, hopefully, we'll be able to look back on these dark days and be proud of ourselves for getting through them.

Where I'm "at"

First, thanks guys.
Emotionally, I'm better than I was after the 3rd failed IVF.  I think I'm just more tired then I am sad.  I work with 5 people in my little clinic, and 2 of them are pregnant.  Their bellies are growing and they look so cute and happy and I want it so much.  But, I'm coming to realize that it may not ever happen.  We are meeting with the RE in a week or so and will make the next plan.  It may include another IVF or maybe it will be the start of adoption or egg donation plans.  I really don't know right now.
I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging for the next while.  I had really (naively) started this blog to document our first IVF and then my pregnancy and such.  I just don't know if I want to blog now.

It's over

Another failed IVF.  I didn't even have to test this time.
So we're still "stuck", never moving forward.

I can't do it

I have had cramping for a few days now.  The cramping felt "different" to me, more sharp and not constant.  But tonight it definitely feels like AF cramping.  And I have had a couple of headaches, like I always do.  The thing is, I could test tomorrow really.  But I feel happy today.  I've had 2 good days back at work and I'm happy and I "could" be pregnant.  But when I test, it will be all over.  And the depression will come back.  And I'll have to work through 3 painful days of work.  I want to live in denial for just a little longer.  So, I'm not going to test.  My blood test is on Monday, 14dp3dt.  I think I'll wait and test myself on Saturday, 12dp3dt.  Then I can sink into whatever depression my psyche needs.

7dp3dt

I just got back from several days at a cottage.  That was a great way to spend some of the 2WW as I was distracted and relaxed.  Now that we're home, I'm instantly analysing every twinge.  It doesn't help that I got a headache yesterday afternoon and am feeling very "headachey" today too.  Such typical symptoms for me a couple of days before my period.  It's safe to say I'm worried this didn't work.  I'm trying to visualize a happy outcome but all that comes into my head is the depression and fatigue associated with another BFN.  Ahhhh, I need to go back on vacation!

2dp3dt

On Sunday,  we had a 3 day transfer.  We transferred 3 embryos; 8 celled A-, 8 celled B, 6 celled B.  I'm quite disappointed that the 3 times a week acupuncture since April, the Coenzyme Q10 since February, the Inositol since April and the overwhelming amount of vegetables that I have eaten since February obviously didn't increase the egg quality significantly.  I know I have an A- there, but we've had these qualities before.
So the way we're keeping positive about this is, the percentages HAVE to be with us now.  We've had a total of 11 embryos (2 of those 5 days) transferred to us now.  All of them were at least a grade B or grade 2.  So I don't see how we can't be pregnant this time.  I'm trying really hard just to believe we're pregnant.  That also helps me be less bitter about the cramping and discomfort that the progesterone and somewhat-traumatic-retrieval seem to be giving me.  It's all worth it!

A few odd days

On Thursday I had retrieval.  It didn't go quite as easily as my past retrieval's so I haven't been up to blogging until now.
We got 12 oocytes, 8 mature. 5 have fertilized and I've been told today (day 2) that we have 2 4-celled, grade A and a grade A-.  The other 3 are 2-celled.  2 are grade A and 1 grade B.  So transfer will be a 3 day transfer again.  And there will most likely not be any freezing.  I guess switching clinics didn't change my egg quality magically.
I had a lot of bleeding after retrieval.  A LOT.  They kept me there 3 hours longer than normal b/c of the bleeding and a bout of low blood pressure.  I then bled all yesterday too.  It stopped last night.  I was supposed to go back in this morning if the bleeding hadn't stopped, but it did.  In total though, I bled more  than I do during my periods.  I had a lot more pain this time too.  This was the first time that I had anesthetic so I wasn't awake for the procedure, but the pain following had me ready to pass out for a couple of hours until they gave me demerol!   I haven't needed any meds before so I found that odd.  No one knew why I had the extreme pain or why I had so much bleeding.  Today the nurse told me that maybe I got my period early.  This was the most insane answer I could have expected.  When I pointed out to her that I wouldn't have a lining for tomorrow's transfer then, she backtracked and seemed confused.
We've had far too much experience with IVF to not find all of these things strange.  So tomorrow when we're there for the 3-day transfer we're going to start the whole process looking for answers.  I don't want to go ahead with a transfer if something is wrong.  I think we need an explanation for these things before we transfer our little embyros.  Should we be trying to get them to freeze instead of transferring? Ahhh...new problems.

CD11

So, moving onward.
They aren't as focused on the numbers at my new clinic.  And because I'm getting so much one-on-one support, I trust them, and am therefore not as focused on the numbers.  My estradiol looks like I should get about 8-12 but that's the closest that I got to an estimation.
Otherwise, I have about 5 at 16mm on the right and 2 around that size on the left, with several smaller ones (they didn't measure them but they look about 10mm ish).  We go back tomorrow to see if I'm ready to trigger tomorrow night.  But it could be another day still.
I'm feeling good and getting good vibes from everyone at the clinic.  So we'll see.

I don't know what to title this post

My assistant just told me she's pregnant.  It's very early and she doesn't want anyone to know, but she was kind enough to tell me now (just in case this IVF fails and she has to tell me then - which is what happened with my receptionist last September).  I'm so confused, as I always am.  I am sincerely happy for her, and it's very kind she thought to tell me quietly.
The jealousy isn't about HER, it's about her getting to go through this amazing thing, and not getting to do it myself.  I work so closely with her, and I'm going to share in some of this experience with her, and it breaks my heart a little.  Fuck, infertility is so hard.

CD 7 -It's always different

I thought that I would start to see some sort of a pattern, this being my 4th IVF.  Today I had 6 on the right, 3 on the left at about 10mm in size.  There were a few little ones but the Dr. said "we don't care about them, it's the 9 that are all the same size we care about".  I said something about not responding very well this time, since last time I had 23 counted on day 7.  But the Dr. has assured me that THIS is a normal cycle and he feels good about these numbers.  He feels that we'll get 8-10 all developing at the same time, and therefore should be good quality.
He could tell I was still upset, and spent some extra time with me.  This would never have happened at the old clinic.  He explained to me that the last cycle I was overstimulated and you never want an estradiol number as high as mine.  He said "that cycle was a complication" and I need to forget about those numbers.  Apparently I should be happy about 9 today.
And so I will be.  I mean, there's nothing I can do right?  It's not like I'm going to quit the cycle now.  So all I can do is hope that some of these eggs are good enough quality to make a baby.

CD 3 - attempt #4

All is quiet on the ultrasound.  I had several little follicles to see, but there won't be any counting until Thursday.  My blood work is as expected, so I start stimulating tonight.  So IVF is currently dominating our lives again.  Hopefully, after this round, we'll be able to move forward with our lives.

Waiting

I had my ultrasounds yesterday to check for cysts and such and all is clear.  My last bcp was yesterday so now I'm just waiting for CD1 so we can move on with this cycle.  I think this is the first time in 3.5 years that I've been looking forward to the arrival of AF.  When waiting to start other IVF cycles, I always had secret hope that we'd just "naturally" get pregnant.  The  bcp really takes away those thoughts.  This is a nice way to start a new cycle!

Excited

You'd think after 3 failed IVFs, I wouldn't get excited to start the 4th. But I am.  I'm feeling so pumped about this one.  And I'm not going to self-talk myself into negative feelings b/c I know how bad it can feel to fail.  Tomorrow I go for the silly little injection classes and Thursday I start this lupron shit.  Good days are coming!

Sad day

I've felt pretty healthy lately, and spend a lot less time than normal sad that we don't have a child yet.  But yesterday was just one of those days where almost everything made me teary.  While doing errands around town, we drove through some areas that brought back memories.  And those memories of people turned to thoughts of the children they have and then, of course, the sadness that children are missing from our lives.
And a movie we watched had a little representation of the "crazy obsessed infertile woman" which made me wonder if I seem like that to the few people around me who know.
And my mother-in-law talked about some people she knew and basically identified them by how many children they had.  I wonder what she thinks of us?
Whatever, a bad day..thanks all.

IVF#4 prep

I start my bcp tomorrow.  So the prep for IVF #4 begins.
As always, I hoped we would have a BFP this month, naturally, but that is apparently my denial.
On day 17 of the bcp I am set to start up the lupron injections although I have to attend an "injection class" before that day.  It seems silly since I've injected myself for 3 previous cycles with so many drugs, but this new clinic makes it mandatory so I won't argue.
I really do like how easily I can plan things with the bcp first.  I have actually marked off all of my mornings starting 2 days after the bcp and for 3 weeks after.  So the only dates that I'll have to reschedule clients are on the retrieval/transfer days.  I DO love to plan ahead.
Otherwise, we just got back from a week vacation at a cottage with friends.  It was fun and I feel good.
So I'm ready for IVF #4.  Here we go again.

The package

The package arrived in the mail yesterday, for our next IVF.  It seems so strange to be switching to another facility but change is always good right?
Interestingly enough, the bill is only going to be about $600 more than my last, fully publicly funded clinic.  And they take $1500 off a second IVF and $4000 off a third!  So they seem to feel they can get you pregnant.
So bcp will start probably at the first of July or so.
As for now, I have one week left of work and then a 1.5 week vacation at a rental cottage with friends (no kids).  Relaxing and thinking about anything but my lack of children.

Visit with my (old) RE

The follow up appointment (from March IVF) finally happened this past week.  The doctor already knew we had requested our chart, so she asked if we were going to get a second opinion.  She said she honestly didn't know why our 3rd IVF attempt was so different from the 1st and 2nd.  She said she'll take our case to their "rounds" so that she can get 4 more opinions on why and what to do next.  So she suggested we go ahead with the new clinic but come for an appointment with her in November again, after both she and us have been able to collect other opinions.  We didn't actually tell her that we already HAVE our second opinion and are moving forward, because it just didn't seem necessary.
I did complain to her that 3 months waiting for a follow up was terrible and that I've found it very emotionally difficult.  She talked about getting on the wait list, bla bla bla..it doesn't matter.  I've moved on.

On Monday I go for a sonohysterogram and my husband goes for another SA.  We assume that the results will not change anything, but it's always worth getting this stuff looked at I guess.

Here's hoping I'll be pregnant before November, thereby taking away the decision of whether or not to return to the old RE for another consult.

"normal" luteal phase

CD2 today after my first, ever, 14 day luteal phase!  Unless I was medicated, I've only ever had 8-11 day luteal phases.  So I obviously thought/hoped I was pregnant for a couple of days this week but the bright white hpt took away that hope.  And then, of course, CD1.
But SOMETHING seems to be different now.  This doesn't inspire us to continue to try naturally or anything b/c we obviously have bigger problems than just a short luteal phase.
Next week is my sonohysterogram with the new clinic and I'll start bcp on the next CD1.

New clinic

So we met with our (possibly) new clinic on Thursday.  The doctor is an old man, and I've been spoiled with younger women, so that sucks.  They're ALL old men actually.  But that's the only thing negative that I came up with b/c this clinic is SO much more detail oriented that our current clinic.
First of all, he said that there is absolutely no way that I have early ovarian failure b/c my estradiol levels in my last IVF were 17000.  He couldn't explain the shittiness of the frist 2 IVF cycles though.  His only thoughts were that women have a few bad cycles a year, so sometimes they happen during an IVF cycle.  So I guess with that thought, we just have very bad luck?  Whatever, his point was that you can't EVER get an estradiol that high if your ovaries are failing.  He wasn't concerned about egg quality either saying that the stats just show that sometimes you don't get good embryos.  He feels another few IVFs are reasonable but will know more after I do a cycle with them.
We went to IVF orientation at this clinic yesterday, to help us decide for sure if we should switch.  It is amazing how many different things this clinic does.  They are all small, but when you put 20 different small things together, it seems like it could increase your percentage of success.  Their lab is more detailed as well, and I can't help but feel that DETAIL in a LAB is a pretty big deal.
So we're going to switch.
The doctor plans a protocol close to my last one but is switching puregon to gonal F (b/c they constantly compare their success/failures and apparently are having better stats with gonal F right now).  Otherwise, I'm doing the BCP with lupron, which I've never done.  So it's a pretty big difference really, which I hope is ok.
And diet changes:  I've already made many changes with increasing veggies, fruit and protein, but this doctor is big on significantly decreasing carbs especially during the 2WW.   Everyone has to take 5mg of Folic acid (I've just been taking my pre-natal vit.), 2000 units of vitamin D, and baby aspirin.  So more supplements to add to my plate of daily supplements.
My current plan is to start the BCP at the end of June, if it all pans out that way.  So IVF #4 at the end of July.

Finally, this week we can move forward

We have an appointment for the new private clinic consult on Thursday.  They have called me 2 times to ask for specific details and some reports that we're in our medical records.  It's been interesting trying to find a copy of those reports and I'm hoping they'll be sent to this clinic on time for our consult.  Either way, this doctor is reading through our chart a week ahead of time and trying to get all of our background.  And more importantly, they booked us in within 1 week of receiving the medical records.
Plus, a LIVE person actually answers the phone when we call.
All good signs.

Medical Records

I was faxed our complete medical records yesterday, even though the "authorization for release" was directly to the private clinic we are planning to go to.  They obviously got my work fax number off my cover letter.  Odd error, but it works fine for us.
It was interesting to read through the whole chart.  I am a physiotherapist and have to chart every client, every visit, every phone call and email and cancelled appointment.  So I find it disturbing to see how little chart notes there are considering I've had 3 IVF cycles, 1 IUI, 1 failed IUI and a few consultations.  And the worst part is that there isn't one single note in there since the transfer that I had in March.  There is a lab print out saying that my beta was negative.  But that is it.
Now I have many clients myself, that may have the same type of injuries and treatment plans.  When they don't come back for 3 months, I go to my chart notes and scan my last notes, always grateful to "past me" for leaving a plan for the next visit.  If I haven't left a good plan (which seriously doesn't happen very often), I have to wing it and I admit that I spend at least 1/2 of the visit trying to remember what I want to do with them.
So putting this in context with my fertility doctor, she is going to scan my chart on June 9th, more than 3 months since our 3rd failed IVF cycle, and "wing it"?  I think this works fine if you're just spitting out a recipe of treatment, but I really don't want to believe that that is what they're doing.  I mean, everything about my 3rd cycle was different, even though I was on the same medication.  Will she have an answer for that?  Or will she have any suggestions for how we can make changes when I'm obviously not following her recipe?  I guess I need to switch clinics.  I'm sounding so negative about this clinic now.
The private clinic that we're going to for our second opinion will probably have read through the notes better than my actual doctor anyway.

Still, nothing to report

After 6 weeks of trying to get our records from our fertility clinic, we have been successful.  I was informed on Friday that our request has been processed and we'd get our chart notes early this week.  Not today though, of course!
So we are waiting for our follow up appointment on June 9th from our March IVF.  God, that is so absurd. It angers me that I've been waiting so long for feedback on that failed cycle.  We're also going to have our consult at the completely private clinic now that they're going to have our chart notes.  I'm hoping to get that appointment the first week in June since they said it would only take up to 2 weeks for an appointment.
Every time my husband has called the private clinic an actual person has answered the phone! This is unheard of at our current clinic.  Needless to say, we're probably going to switch to the private clinic, if not just to be able to get immediate answers and feedback.  I really do like my current doctor though, so I'd like to hear what she has to say about all of this.
Otherwise, I'm much more hopeful again.  I'm still very jealous of pregnant people and very tired of being asked nearly daily by clients "do you have any children?".  But I'm managing to NOT think about it at least part of my days now.  I've been doing great with my fertility diet, acupuncture 3 times a week and my low ovarian reserve supplements.  So hopefully July will be our next and last IVF.

Just to post

I don't have much to share really.  I'm still surprisingly down but really only the people closest to me know that.  I can at least talk about the failed cycle with the few people who know now.  We went to visit some friends this weekend and it was still rather hard to socialize but it was good for both of us.
So I'm significantly healthier than a month ago but much worse than I normally have been this long after a BFN.
I assume we'll do a 4th IVF but that's still in limbo.  Maybe donor eggs make more sense.  I'm taking a few supplements suggested by Denver for poor egg quality.  And I've learned acupuncture from my coworker so believe it or not, I'm going to needle myself now at least 3 times a week for a few months.  So that's how I'm trying to move things forward in my head.  Trying to pick up some hope again.

Little update

The request for my medical information was faxed today. We filled out an application for a consult with a strictly private clinic. Now we wait for an appointment.
I feel odd about doing this. I feel like this desperate woman, not wanting to accept reality. But I guess I an that woman. And so I want someone to tell me there is still hope. The funny thing is, my clinic would probably tell me to go ahead with another IVF but I just can't get an appointment for 2 more months. So, I move to another clinic for a consult. And then we'll see what happens next.

Sad

This is the longest that I have generally felt depressed. Usually after a couple of days I can start looking forward and that will slowly perk me up. I just can't seem to do that this time. I'm crying so easily and so often, and that's really not like that. I've had episodes of crying myself to sleep.
How do I move forward right now?
My clinic is partially covered by our universal health care. They have generally been great but the "follow up" appointment nearly 3 months later has always been an issue for me. After IVF 1 and 2 I convinced myself it was an ok wait b/c I couldn't start the next IVF until after a couple of months anyway.
BUT, this time I'm not sure we'll be doing another IVF. I really need feedback about how crazy different this stimulation went, how many eggs then embryos we got, how good at least 3 of them were on day 3, but yet the sane result. Is it just a percentages game and we should just try AGAIN? Or is it getting obvious that my eggs can't make babies? Those are pretty big and different questions that can change my entire life plans. And it's so long, too long, to wait until mid-June.
So with that, should I be going to a fully private clinic for s consult? Should I get another opinion, if only to get a timely opinion? What's stopping me is that I like my clinic now and the process of getting our chart in daunting. But that could be the depression talking.
I don't know what to do to get out of this saddness.

Fail

I haven't updated because there is nothing good to say.
Negative yesterday and today (day 12 and 13).  Tomorrow is the hated blood test.  And I won't be planning on picking up the phone from the clinic.  I have a migraine and I'm totally depressed.  I know that I always think this month will work, but I REALLY thought this time it would work.
I think I'm fooling myself if I keep thinking this can happen.

Obsessed

I had a busy week but yet almost every second of the day that I wasn't busy, I can't help but think about my symptoms.  I'm very hopeful but very worried.  A third failed IVF is such a huge deal.  Especially with how well I responded this time, but in the end having poor egg quality.  Can any of my eggs actually make a baby?
I had sharp pains on 4dp3dt.  They only lasted about 30 seconds but happened about 4 times during the morning.  Then most nights I've felt generally crampy, AF crampy.  Now today I'm worried that I'm at the beginning stages of a headache.  My boobs are sore, but they always are with progesterone.  So basically, my symptoms are non-descript, as usual at this stage of the cycle.  Today is 7dp3dt and I'm going to test early on 9dp3dt.  I definitely can't wait for the beta.

3dp3dt

None made it to freeze. We didn't think they would, but it would have been a nice surprise. My husband says optimistically "that means we chose the right ones to put it". I hope so.

Day 3 transfer complete

Our clinic always has you come in on day 3, to get the quality report and decide whether to transfer on day 3 or 5. With 10 embryos yesterday I was sure we'd be waiting for day 5. Not the case when you have poor quality eggs. We had 7 left today, 3 of them pretty good for day 3, 2 ok and one shitty little guy. It was pretty obvious that there really isn't a point to waiting for day 5 because the only ones likely to make it, can just go in today. Because I have never had implantation, the decision was to put in 3 or 4. So we put in 4, under no delusion that we'll have quads. Just hoping for one to stick.
The nice thing about them going in earlier than I thought, is I am off work until Tuesday. So I'm taking these 4 days to lay around.
I'm feeling really good really. I thought I'd be more disappointed to end up with none for freezing after such a great response to stimulation. But I'm feeling very positive.
Embryos transferred: 10 celled grade 2 (my clinic grades them 1 to 5 with 1 as the best), two 8 celled grade 2s and an 8 celled grade 3 for luck!

10 little embryos

13 were mature and 10 were fertilized via ICSI. Those numbers sound pretty normal.
Grow little fellas, grow.

20 ovum

It was pretty painful today but that's fine with me since the result is 20 eggs.  Wow, the ovaries are huge when you have a normal amount of follicles.  Again I say, what a difference from my other cycles.
I've been lying around all afternoon and plan to continue that tonight.  I'll wait anxiously for the fertilization report tomorrow.  Since I'll be getting that call at work, I hope I'm emotionally stable (yeah right, while I'm full of estrogen).
Off to drink more water to ward off any chance of OHSS.

27! CD 13

Today showed a total of 27 follicles ranging from 10mm to 23mm.  Some of those are obviously too old and too new, but it does sound like we should get about 12 to 20 good ones.
Wow.
Trigger tonight and Tuesday is the retrieval day.  It's really the day after that I'm excited for, because I'd like to know if the "quality" is any better this time since the "quantity" is obviously much improved.

CD 11, still happy!

Things are still looking very normal. How that can be makes no sense to me. No one at the clinic seems to notice the dramatic shift. I guess no one would look at my numbers now and compare to my other cycles. IF i get the number of eggs that it looks like I will, someone is going to be a little shocked with the next set of "orders".
First: left has 9 between 12mm and 16mm, 7 around 10mm
Right had 7 between 12mm and 16mm, 7 smaller than 10mm.
I go back on CD 13 with the plan of taking a trigger that night. The doctor expects a few eggs to be too mature at retrieval now but feels the largest amount will be ready if we wait the extra day.
So right now it's looking possible to get 20 or more eggs, some will be too mature and some not mature enough but that could leave us with 10 at least (I think). We do ICSI b/c my egg numbers have been so low in the past. But the doctor also wrote to transfer them all on day 3. Obviously that won't happen if we have more than 3 or 4 but I'm looking forward to watching the conversation about that order.
I'm rather uncomfortable now, feeling pressure at my groin. I did not feel this much pressure/discomfort in the past 2 cycles. So again, I guess this is what people normally feel. Woo hoo!

Continuing with good news, CD9

I have 8 follicles between 10mm and 14mm on my left, 4 on my right. I still have another 10 total less than 10mm too. Something is TOTALLY different this cycle b/c these numbers sound pretty normal. I'm still taking a tonne of meds but they're actually producing the correct results. It's so nice to continue feeling happy, instead of usual highs and lows. So back in 2 days for the count that is usually most predictive.

CD 7, things are different this time..

Today my u/s showed 3 follicles over 10mm (12mm at the most) and a total of 19 little ones!  If you've followed my other cycles, you will know that this is insanely different than I've ever had.  CD7 in the first cycle showed 5 (I think) ranging from 10 to 20mm.  CD7 in the second cycle showed 7 ranging from 10 to 12mm.  But there were never a whole bunch of little guys that may or may not respond to stimulation.  I may be jumping ahead here, but today sounded like a NORMAL IVF cycle.  I told the doctor I've never had numbers like these and she said not to get too excited until the next couple of visits to see if many of the little guys are stimulating.
But I am.  Things are different.  That's got to be a good thing.

Small update, CD5

So after 3 days of injections, I've had 2 days of headaches.  They aren't migraines though, and since I'm used to migraines, I can handle headaches.  They're just tiring.  Otherwise, I'd say I just started feeling my ovaries "doing stuff" in the last 6 hours or so.  I'm incredibly hungry and don't remember feeling this way during my other two IVF cycles.  Maybe it has nothing to do with the meds.

CD3, B/W and U/S

"All is quiet" in my ovaries.  Apparently that is what should normally be said on CD3 but I've only ever been told about my right sided cyst and the 4-6 follicles seen on the left.  Today, "all is quiet", and I guess that's a good start.
Injections start today.  We're sticking with 300 pur.egon and 75 me.nopur so lots of injections.  Go ovaries!

Still waiting

I want a baby. I'm tired of waiting. That's all I have to say tonight.

Ovulated!

My temperature went up on CD31.  Considering my cycles have been 24-26 days for at least a year, this is an insanely long cycle.  But, I feel good because at least now I have a timeline for IVF again.

Still waiting

But I have a headache today, following 5 days of cramps so CD1 has got to be close. If I ever get pregnant, I can't imagine what I'd do with so much time for thoughts beside TTC.

The waiting game

I've had cramps for 3 days so I'm expecting CD1. But I definately had an anovulatory cycle this month so I don't know what to expect. The clinic told me to start taking estrace on Sunday, which I did. I've been worried this cycle will just go on and on since it's quite common not to bleed after an anovulatory cycle. So all I can do is hope that my period arrives, like it feels like it is going to. Cramps and sore boobs is always a good sign for me (or always a BAD sign unless I'm waiting for an IVF cycle).
On another note, GO CANADA GO!

F'd up cycle

So I'm on CD21 and I haven't ovulated yet. So I can't take my estrace. What bothers me is, what if this is am anovulatory cycle? I've never had one, in 3 years of cycle monitoring. Does that mean I shouldn't do IVF next cycle? It would definately mean I won't have taken estrace, so shouldn't I wait until a cycle when I have?
I really feel the fertility gods are f'ing with me. Just trying to keep me negative and stressed.

WTF?

I woke up this morning with cramping and spotting. It is CD 12. Everything I read says mid-cycle spotting can be normal but this hasn't happened in more that 3 years of charting. My temps have been erratic, but that does happen sone months pre-ovulation. It was a rather heavy spotting day, with cramps and back aches and now a headache. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was about to get my period. But that can't happen on CD12 right?
I just hope, whatever this strange day is all about, it doesn't screw up my IVF cycle. I'm supposed to start estrace in 5 days.

Oh no..

We've just been invited to a family "thing" that has the potential to be quite awful. A cousin and his wife are home for a few weeks from Hong Kong. They had their first baby last summer. His brother and his wife have a 2 year old, concieved shortly after we started trying.
In short, I feel uncomfortable with this part of the family b/c I am significantly older than my cousins. Their mother has, several times, said "i want to see you hold the baby, so we see how you look with one". I know that going to this dinner is going to be a night full of people making comments to me about having a baby. I don't share my infertility issues with anyone in that room, so I just have to smile and take it.
I'm in a good place right now. Excited and hopeful. But the second I got this e-vite my stomach sunk. Problem is, LAST year when they were home and she was pregnant, I faked a migraine and cancelled. I can't believe I'm here a year later. Not sure what to do...

Appointment

I am feeling positive and excited. The doc answered all of my questions with patience and I felt I got the answers I needed.
Basically, we're trying again with the same protocol. The last cycle worked well to get my egg production but the quality wasn't great. She said she would have expected more blastocysts by day 5 since I started with 9 eggs. I'm going to start taking a dietary supplement that is currently being researched to improve egg quality. It is the most expensive supplement i've ever taken, but hopefully worth it. The problem with the supplement is it may not help until I've been taking it for 5 months. I figure I'll start taking it now in case it can help, and if this cycle fails it will definately be in my system for the next cycle.
We talked about "when to stop". She seemed pretty genuine in saying that she is still hopeful this can work. If the sane thing happens in the next cycle, she may not be as positive but for now, thinks it's reasonable to continue with IVF.
So I start estrace in mid-February and should be starting my next IVF cycle by the end of February.
We both feel good about this cycle. I'm going to take baby aspirin too, because I gigue it can't hurt.
Oh and she said we'll do a day 3 transfer of 3 or 4 embryos (unless I get a surprising amount of embryos). She figures there is no point in going to day 5 with so few embryos and 2 unsuccessful cycles.
So 3 weeks to lose another 3-4lbs. I'm done with the caffeine again(not like ice been drinking much) and increasing my veggies/fruit and protein intake.
I think this one is it!

Once again

Not pregnant.
It's hard to imagine myself pregnant now.
My IVF follow up appointment is in 2 days though, so I'm excited about that. It will be nice to have a plan for the next try.

Cramps

9dpo and I'm getting the typical cramps. Not that I believe that I can get pregnant naturally, but always hopeful. But surprise surprise! Feels like it will be over in a day or 2.
One positive, my appointment with the doc is next week which will probably be CD3 or 4. I can ask for a antral follicle count on a free cycle. Woo hoo! More information that doesn't really matter.

Just a little mid-month note

Just back from our trip to Florida.  The weather was nice for a few days, but even on the not-nice days it was a great trip.  We had a good time with our friends, saw some cool stuff, and totally relaxed.  I have to say, for the first week in probably a year or more, I thought of TTC less than 5 times.  It still came into my thoughts a few times, but not much.  We got home last night and I STILL forgot to take my BBT (I didn't even take the thermometer on holiday).

So back to work tomorrow.  I'm not looking forward to it but I'm not dreading it either.  My goal is to really get some things accomplished with my clients over the next 6 weeks.  I'd like to go he extra mile for a while, since I feel like I've been a little half-assed lately.  

Next Dr. appointment Feb 3rd.  Then we'll see what next.

CD1

And, back to CD1.
It's some evil Deja-Vu.
Or some never ending merry-go-round.
But I'm ok.  I don't honestly believe I can conceive naturally anyway.
And Sunday we're off to Florida where the weather is at least warmer than here.

My thought process today

Being in a good mood this weekend, I thought, maybe I will be one of those people who get naturally pregnant after IVF.  Maybe THIS will be the month.  I mean, it happens.  Why not for us?
I googled pregnancy after IVF this weekend and see that it does happen.  I then read that it's extremely rare, but then even MORE rare if your diagnosis is "unexplained infertility".
So then I returned to an old question; "what the fuck is unexplained infertility?" I call bullshit on this diagnosis.  There HAS to be a reason.  Why can't they find it?  Isn't my low ovarian reserve the reason?  Or my short luteal phase?  Come on!
So it's 9dpo which means I might have a day or 2 left in this cycle, the first following IVF attempt #2.  I don't feel depressed about the cramps tonight though.  Just fucking pissed off.
It's -19 outside and my dogs want to go for a walk.  Nothing like the cold to snap me out of my funk.