Quick update

I have one baby asleep across my lap and another across my chest. This was my first time doing the bed prep alone. It wasn't easy, but I was successful! I just need to find away to get them to their cribs now :)
I started a long post a while ago about things that have been very hard. But I'll get back to that later.
Tonight I feel success!

Finally some pictures..

Quinten - 6 weeks

Harrison - 6 weeks

Harrison - 8 weeks

Quinten - 8 weeks

8 weeks old

I have kept up with reading blogs but don't remember the last time I commented on one. I've had comments to make, I just haven't done it. I suck.
As for my life, it's very monotonous at this point, but absolutely worth it. I do look forward to meaningful smiles though, just to get positive feedback from these little life forms!
And I don't know if it's just a twin thing but I'm sick of hearing people say "it's their growth spurt". They feed all the time. They usually eat every 2 hrs now and take an hour to do it, therefore getting maybe 20 mins of sleep time in each cycle during the day. We usually get our old 3 hr cycles back at night. Yippee! It's been 2 weeks of this. I was doing well at getting out and doing stuff at least 3 times a week but that hasn't been possible with 2 hr feeding cycles. So, is it b/c there are 2 babies whose growth cycles run into one another? Or are growth spurts just an excuse so that I'll believe it can END someday? It would be interesting to see how long a baby would sleep through the night, if there was only one. But of course, I'll never know and it doesn't matter anyway.
My little guy is 9 lbs as of last week. And my "big guy" is 8 lbs 14 oz. So the little one has caught up and stormed past! Go buddy! They only fit clothes for about a week at a time. I have already packed up so many little outfits! Wow, they grow fast. And time is flying so fast. 8 weeks already! I think I need this to slow down.
The boys are completely different people. They find different things entertaining, they require different soothing techniques, one is a screamer and the other a crier, they even poop different colours and frequencies. This will be fun to watch as they grow up.

My story

I had a scheduled c-section b/c of some significant pelvic issues from a car accident I was in as a teen. Since I was 16, I was told I'd need a c-section, so I have always visualized this method of birth and don't feel like I've missed out.
The hospital I was in was nothing less than fantastic. It's a newer unit, with a "family centered approach" that is very different from smaller hospitals in my area. If I had stayed in my home town, this story would be different.
The surgical room was a while suite. They had 2 isolates and a nurse and a respiratory therapist for each baby in the room when I went in. I had my nurse and anesthesiologist. They struggled quite a bit with my spinal/epidural combo b/c I was quite swollen. She had to attempt 4 different times before calling for help and then getting it herself anyway. Apparently it was saline she was injecting into the site, but everytime I got crazy pain down my right leg, I panicked that she was touching my spinal cord. So my sweating and shaking reaction didn't help her.
Anyway, after it was in, they laid me down and my nurse explained again how everything would go.
The doctors came in at this point. What an amazing feeling; to feel touch, to feel like you SHOULD be able to move your legs, but feel no pain and be unable to lift your legs.
My husband sat to the left of my head.
They have a tv on the ceiling so if a baby needs more help (but not NICU help) and goes into the adjacent room, I can watch what is happening still. The tv wasn't on in my room, so instead I could see the reflection of my surgery which was pretty cool!
My anesthesiologist was kind and calm and I really liked her. She talked me through things. But really, I felt very relaxed. When they cut through my uterus she covered my view of the tv though b/c she decided it could get to be "too much".
That little squeaking cry, what a beautiful sound. Then they showed me the baby for a very quick second and took him to the isolate. My husband had a clear path to walk to the isolates and back to me, taking pics with his iPhone to bring back to me. But the crying was so reassuring anyway. Then the second baby adding to the crying sounds. Wow.
Our little guy had a cyst on his cord so they called the neonatologist in to have a look. My husband could stand with them and get the scoop immediately - not a problem. I wonder if this was the problem all along affecting his cord blood flow though.
They cleaned up and weighed the babies and gave them both to my husband who sat beside my head for the sewing up stage of the surgery. I didn't try to watch the surgery anymore, now obsessed with staring at my babies.
As soon as the section was complete, they put the naked babies on my chest and wheeled us into recovery. There we did some breast feeding (wow the body is so amazing that it is already producing colostrum). They did the glucose testing during this time as well so that's where we ran into some problems with our little guy.
It was difficult and I was very sad to have them take him to the NICU. Spending 2 hrs with him naked on your chest, then for them to take him away, was awful. So the little guy and my husband went to the NICU, and my bigger guy and I went to the maternity ward.
I loved the staff. I loved the set up of this hospital. Just a great birth experience.
The ward room we were stuck in the first night is another story but I'm trying to focus on the positives (got our private room on the second day anyway).

Boys

We came home on Friday afternoon. I was overwhelmed with emotion and cried most of the way home. I have babies! And being away from my home and dogs for almost 5 weeks plus sitting in the back watching them sleep in their car seats - wow.
They/we have settled into a routine really rather easily so far. I BF one baby while my husband feeds the other baby expressed milk. We have been "topping up" each baby with formula. Then we change, swaddle and put them to bed. Then I pump for 15 mins to get my supply up. The last few feeding cycles we haven't had to use formula which I'm pretty excited about. It's amazing how our boobs work! I have even been successful tandem feeding once, but am being cautious with this b/c one baby gets angry with the breast feeding quickly, and I don't want to lose him.
They have so many differences already.
We're living on very little sleep but I love it all. I'm in post partum bliss I guess.
Names:
Harrison James and Quinten Hugh
I'll post pics as soon as I get to my laptop. I'm living with my iPhone/ipad and am too lazy to turn on the laptop so far (don't know how to post pics on iPhone app).

Babies

Our babies were born by c-section July 11th at 12:18 and 12:20 pm.
Baby A weighed 4lbs 10 oz and shortly after had to go to the NICU while his body figured out how to manage his sugars. I can't believe how sad that made me feel. Having him leave me after an hour naked on my chest. The happy news is, he's already back with us.
Baby B weighed 5 lbs 4 oz and struggled a little with his sugars too but has bounced back. He gave us a good practice night with 1 baby.
We'll most likely all go home tomorrow and I'll write more then.

Infertility

I'm not sure what I want to say.
But tomorrow everything changes.

Tomorrow is what we've been waiting for, for at least the last 4 and a half years, if not for most of our lives. It seems unreal today. Even though I've felt the babies kicking and rolling for months. My belly has gotten bigger and bigger. The pains in my groin, my back, my hands. It just seems unreal that this turns into babies.

All the ups and downs, the hope and the depression. I really did feel it would never happen. Several times. I started to imagine my life without this dream. And all I could see was endless sadness.

My husband and I grew closer, I believe. But what would have happened if we were never successful?

Infertility is unique. No one can really understand it, unless faced with it. No one can see it. There are worse things in this world. But often it doesn't feel that way.

I still feel twinges of jealousy when people announce their easy road to pregnancy. I still feel anger at people asking me private questions about our family. I feel sadness for people that I know who are still "stuck". I believe this will never go away.

Some people think my husband and I don't seem excited enough. We are. It's just unreal. And after everything, I think these babies need to be in our arms before we can really release.

I've visualized and imagined this life change for so long now but I can't really imagine it, can I?

Tomorrow, everything changes.

And, if you can believe it, still going..

The csection is officially booked for the 11th. And with no signs of labour, and reasonable cord blood flow this week, it looks like we're going to make it. Can you believe it? I'm 37 weeks today. Both babies are measuring over 2000g now which means we most likely won't need any NICU time.
I'm so excited! The time is almost here.

Still going...

I am still in the hospital, the babies are still little but doing well, and my life is too boring for much of an update!
As of today, the Dr. thinks my c-section will be Monday or Tuesday but I'll know for sure after a growth scan on Saturday. So much for a Canada Day birthday!
They check the umbilical cord flow everyday, along with fetal heart monitoring every 4 hrs. So it's pretty reassuring. The food sucks, and I'm officially bored (although my iPhone/ipad combo is very helpful) but I am pretty happy to have universal health care at the moment. It's nice not to have to worry about money while this is going on.
I love my dr. and nurses, so that's good stuff.
Alright, that's all I've got!

Update

So there isn't much to say. I'm laying around most of the day. Life is the hospital is pretty boring. But so far, the daily ultrasounds have still shown just an intermittent blood flow issue. As long as it is continuous, the babies stay in. Now I'm still not sure if that will keep up after 35 weeks. Since the babies just aren't growing a lot, the 35 week mark may trigger delivery.
Now that the weekday staff is back, I'm hoping to get that answered.
So, all's well!

Admitted

Well, I've been admitted to the high risk maternity ward. Baby A is now in the 10 percentile but more importantly, his cord is having a blood flow problem. So u/s daily now and if it worsens at all, they deliver. Doc thinks anytime from 1 to 10 days.
So definitely NICU time. Right now our little guy is 3lbs 10 oz and the bigger guy is only 4lbs 2 oz. I know they should be ok. We're at 34 weeks. Just wish we'd go a little longer.
And man, I'm hot in this hospital!

Little babies

I have little babies in there. Baby A is now in only the 14th percentile (dropping steadily from 30 over the past couple of months). It means he is 2 weeks behind and only 3lbs.
Baby B is 3 lbs 9 oz which is better, in the 30th percentile.
Apparently this drop is quite normal with twins, it's just happening a little early AND the babies are starting out so small.
So they will be born early. I've been worried about it but am wrapping my head around it now. The Dr thinks we have 2 more weeks, so grow babies grow!

Almost 30 weeks!

I'm getting a lot of third trimester issues, but it doesn't bother me too much. I mean, everything is temporary and it's all for a very good reason!!  Here's my list:
I developed carpal tunnel syndrome a couple of weeks ago and it's pretty annoying now, but livable.
 My newest heartburn medication is awesome.  Although I still have reflux, at least it doesn't hurt.  It DOES still wake me up at night, sometimes in a raging coughing fit that ends up in vomiting.
My ribs often hurt, obviously just from being stretched.
And may back hurts when I walk further than about 20 metres.
But like I said, when you know it's temporary, nothing seems like that big of a deal.
Tomorrow we're off to the doctor again.  2 weeks ago, baby B dropped in size again.  They still aren't worried though.  Apparently I just have small babies.  This, of course, makes me worry they won't be 5 lbs when born, but what can you do?
And I had a baby shower on Sunday.  It was fun and cute and VERY weird to accept that it was for me.  Some infertility feelings may just never go away.

Happy Easter

What a nice long weekend. The change table/dresser is all built making the room complete for furniture. Now I'll just need to stock it.
I've been slowly working away at diapers every time I see a sale. I'm hoping this will help it feel less expensive when the babies are here. It's amazing to calculate how many diapers you need!
On Thursday we had another growth scan. Baby A stayed at 27th percentile and is placenta Doppler was normal. So he's just a little guy. Baby B actually went up to 47th percentile. So pretty "normal".
Other good news at this appointment was that my blood pressure remains good, my cervix is long and closed and my sugar test was all normal. The Dr thinks I can continue at every second week until 32 weeks now. This could always change, but good news for now.

Update

Everything has been sailing along nicely but this past week we got our first "bad"? news.  It's not awful, but it wasn't perfect either.  Baby A has dropped from the 35th to the 27th percentile in size.  It could be nothing, but usually they want to see them generally at the same percentile.  It could be a placental issue, blood pressure, or who knows.  Really, until the ultrasound next week (and added doppler) we don't know if it matters.  I'm tending not to worry about it right now, but I do wish there was something more I could do.  I'm trying to eat more food although the Dr. says that doesn't matter.
My blood pressure is still pretty good but is higher than 2 weeks ago.  And I had my diabetes test and that looked good.
So for now, I just have tiny babies (Baby B is in the 42nd percentile).  I hope I can keep these guys in long enough to not need the NICU.

We got our cribs up!  So the baby room has started to take shape.  I love having this room to peak into and think happy thoughts.  We decorated in green with brown animals (monkeys, lions, giraffes).  Cute stuff.

Stuff

I've had a couple of rough weeks at work.  It's had nothing to do with the pregnancy.  Everything remains good there.  In fact, I've just started feeling more distinctive movement in the past 24hour.  How exciting!
It's been a very stressful couple of work weeks.  I have a very small staff at my clinic, and one just quit.  Everyone has a right to move to another job, I've just been so pissed off that he didn't give me more warning.  It's not like I can just keep the babies in and continue to work!  I am aware that this is MY problem, and not my staff member's.
The worst part about this is that my plan of slowly decreasing my work duties has failed.  So I have to accept a very busy April and half of May.  I really do hope that I can physically handle it, so that I'm not constantly living in stress now.  I had a stupid busy day last week and I was so tired and sore by the end of the day.  I then was unable to sleep and it made the rest of the week so difficult.  It's a little hard to imagine how I'll feel in another month, let alone another 2-3 months!  The positive thing is, someone who worked for me in the past is going to come back.   She can't come until mid-May but either way, I will love this girl forever!
Anyway, everything had been going so smoothly for me, so I guess I'm just disappointed that any negativity has crept into my head.  I guess I've just come back to reality really.
But important thing is, babies are good.  They're moving and growing.
Oh and I had a client ask me when I was due last week and when I said end of June (I never actually admit my due date is July 30 since that's not an accurate twin due date) she said "I thought you looked like you could go any day now".  I love it!  (and I'm not THAT big yet - 20lbs gained which is right on par for twins).
Next up, growth scan March 24th.

Anatomy Scan and such

Everything apparently looked good at our anatomy scan.  The reporting software was down so we had the Dr. who reviews the u/s tell us all was well but that she wanted another couple of scans of Baby B's face as she didn't like the ones the tech took.  So we go back again next week.
Our Dr. didn't have the report obviously so I don't know weights or anything that I'd like to know.  Although, since we go next week I suppose I'll be able to get that then.
We are definitely having 2 boys.  It was pretty obvious when the u/s tech showed up the views.   It's pretty cute to see that.
I also loved seeing how much bigger they are.  And the details in their hands and feet.  And Baby A drinking up the amniotic fluid (gross, I know) seeing his little jaw work and the fluid go down his throat.  All cool stuff.
I've finished my "wish list" and know brand names and such that I want now.  Now I wait impatiently for sales to see when I can purchase these items.
I did get my twin breast feeding pillow and twin belt in the mail so one purchase.  The belt feels fantastic, even though I don't really need it yet.  I bought pressure relief stockings as well since I've had some swelling over the past 2 weeks.  It's early for swelling but I am on my feet most of the day so it's not that surprising.  My blood pressure is nice and low so the swelling seems unrelated to that.
Really, all's well..

Movement? *edited to add books*

I'm feeling little "feelings" over the past couple of days.   I'm pretty sure it's my first feelings of movement b/c it's consistently over the babies.  I like to chat to which ever one I'm feeling moving around.
I am expanding rather quickly over the past 2 weeks.  The difference is very noticeable to people who see me every few days.
And continuing my addiction with books about babies, I'm learning some great tips.  I'm so excited!  This really is the first time in my life that I haven't felt nervous about such a major change.  I guess the 3.5 years of infertility gave me lots of time to prepare for this one!
Books I'm currently loving:
The Everything Baby's First Year Book
The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems
Raising Twins
I know some people don't "agree" with some of these authors but I'm loving just learning about development and suggestions for getting into patterns and interpreting behaviours.

Boys

It looks like both our babies are boys.  She didn't absolutely commit to Baby A but the screen shot she showed us looked very "boy".  Baby B is definitely a boy.
I think I've always thought  I wanted boys.  But the second that I heard both were boys, I felt a little sad.  How crazy is that?  5 months ago I figured that I would never have children and now I had a moment of disappointment that they weren't a mix of sexes.  Of course, I'm over that now.
They looked great.  Baby A is 130g and Baby B is 135g so very close in size.
My cervix and blood pressure were great.  And our DS risk is 1:2080 for each of them (on my age alone it was 1:250 so this is quite a good ratio now).  The internist went through some headache and heartburn tips with me so I'm feeling good about some possible changes in that area.
So all in all, a great visit.
Next up March 3rd Anatomy scan.

Random positive and negative thoughts

I'm really enjoying reading baby books now.  It feels so nice to move forward and feel excited about things.  I'm continuing to have headaches, but I'm not complaining.  They're livable and worth it.  I'm pretty must just a ball of optimism here.  Our next ultrasound is this Thursday.  I'm wondering if we'll get to find out the sexes yet, or if that will have to wait for the anatomy scan in a few more weeks.  I have my maternity clothes now, and definitely started to pop this last week.  I've researched baby stuff and am planning on going on a big shopping trip for some of those things in 2 weeks.

On another notes, I've read thoughts like this from several other people over the years, so I know these thoughts are common, but here are mine anyway.
It's amazing how happy I am and how drastically this pregnancy changed everything.  Just before this 5th IVF, I had finally started to except that we couldn't get pregnant, but I was definitely depressed about it.  But even with this happiness and optimism, I still have pangs of feeling about people talking about getting pregnant instantly.  Also about clients who obviously don't deserve to be parents, but continue to add to their family.  I'm pretty sure this will never go away.  It feels like something that's changed in me.  I'm more bitter about this stuff and still feel jealous.  And the ignorant comments still piss me off and make me sad at the same time.
I feel so sad and emotional for all of you that I'm still following, who haven't made it out yet (and I know technically that I still haven't - but my optimism makes it feel that way).  I know that sadness and I think it's so unfair anyone has to feel it.  I'm hoping and routing for all of you everyday.
Fuck you infertility!

Quick update

I've been away for a week on vacation and then on a physiotherapy course.  So I haven't kept up with my commenting.  I've been reading but I apologize for being a bad commenter.
I'm continuing to feel good with little to report.  Our next Dr. appointment isn't until February 10th, so the only updates I have for now are symptoms and shopping!  I plan to start my shopping plan next weekend just because I can!  I know it's still early to shop but I figure I've waited 4 years for this so I'm moving forward.
I found myself looking at double strollers every time I saw one this past week.  It's hard to say whether I should get a tandem one or a double-wide.  They both seem to have advantages/disadvantages.  I've been offered a single stroller from a friend that I think I'll take as well.  It could come in handy when grandparents just want to take one baby/child along with them.
Otherwise, I'm enjoying reading other people making purchasing decisions.  What a great network we have here!

Things

Like I said earlier, our nuchal test came back quite good. He asked if we wanted to do CVS and we told him we decided against it. Otherwise, I met with an internist who specializes in pregnant women and she gave me a medication I can try for my migraines. I've always had migraines, I just always used to be able to drug up. Now they aren't leaving. She said that I likely won't need the meds much b/c my hormones have just peaked and things will get better now. I have to say, I've had a pretty easy 1st trimester.
It just seems so so strange to have positive things happening. You get so used to negative news and moods that it is hard to fully except the good stuff. I'm definitely getting there though.
Cutest thing, my mom has been collecting baby items for the past 4 years. She never told me b/c of all of our trouble. Yesterday she showed me her spare room with it all laid out and it was crazy. Im not sure I'll have to buy a single item!
My poor coworker had to deliver her stillborn babies today. What a terrible thing to go through. I'm thoughtful of how hard it could be for her to be around me in the near future.

Sad

My co-worker, the first girl I hired when I opened my business 6 years ago, just lost both of her twins, in-utero at 27 weeks. I am just devastated for her. I can't image how painful this must be.
I had my nuchal testing, among other things, yesterday. Everything is normal but it doesn't sound as reassuring anymore.
I'm so sad.

Twins

One of the babies died at 7 weeks, about 3 days after my last ultrasound.  It was a little sad to see that, now that I've gotten my head around triplets.  But no matter how I think about it, I think twins is a better situation for us.  I think I might even feel a little guilty that I feel that way.  But there it is.
We have a "multiples specialist" for our OBGYN who we met yesterday.  He said that I'll be there about every 2nd week.  Nice to know we'll be that monitored now.  The 2 babies are measuring well, one at 39mm and the other at 44mm.  Apparently he doesn't think it's a big deal that they are already quite different in size.  He also said that our chance of miscarrying now is less that 1% because we had strong heartbeats past 10 weeks.
So we started telling people important to us today.  It feels weird and very unreal.  We can move on with planning things and buying things now.
Next week, we go back for the nuchal scan.  We have to make a decision about CVS or amniocentesis or neither, between now and then.  He thinks that if the nuchal scan is suspect that we should do CVS.  It seems so odd that the risk of DS is less than 1% and the risk of miscarriage after CVS is about 1%.  Huh.
Anyway, twins for us!  What a different feeling from 3 months ago.