Happier

I've recovered to some extent. I'm back to being hopeful that this month will magically be THE month. Then the back up plan is another IVF cycle in a couple of months. Seriously, the third time HAS to work right?
Christmas was nice, with no inappropriate baby comments. It has been helpful that no one has announced any pregnancies lately.
We're going to Florida in a couple of weeks for a little vacation/change. Nice to have something to look forward to.
So I'm only secretly going to feel sorry for my self now. On to happier times and thoughts!

Not much to say

So it's been over a week since my second IVF negative. Like always, I generally feel better. I'm still easily brought to tears, even when it has nothing to do with babies. I am planning to skip some family gatherings this Christmas and lay low. Otherwise, I guess we just try it again. I'm trying to avoid thinking of long term plans, and how much money we're pissing away. I'm not ready to think about adopting, or giving up.
So my follow up appointment isn't until February 3rd. And I assume try #3 will be in March. Or maybe we'll try something else this time. Whatever.

Moving on...again

Thanks for the comments guys. Unfortunately, it really was a negative. So now I will probably avoid a lot of Christmas events just so I don't have to hear baby comments and baby announcements. I wonder if I never get pregnant, will I shut myself out completely someday? I had a new client last week, who is 70 years old. When telling me her physical history she said "I had endometriosis and never carried a baby to term. Isn't that sad? I think it's very sad."
What I thought was SO sad is that at 70 years old, that is still so part of her life that she tells her new physiotherapist that within 10 minutes.
I don't want that to be me.

Negative

I took at test this morning, 9dp5dt. Negative.
Blood test is Monday. I'm so sick of these blood tests when I already know it's negative. It's like a kick in the face.
So my second failed IVF, 33 failed cycles in total. I am depressed, as expected.
I guess we just try again? Is this my life now?

I think it's over

Yesterday was 6dp5dt and my cramps got worse. Today my migraine has returned, like clockwork. I managed to stay positive until about dinner tonight when the cramps got worse and I started spotting. Really? This isn't going to work either? Merry fucking Christmas.

Spa

So I'm off to a spa/shopping trip with my closest friend. I'll be gone for 4 days. I planned this to help keep me busy during the 2WW which is really only a 1WW now. Day 5 transfers make the time go a lot quicker.
Nothing made it to freeze. But that's b/c the best ones are already implanting right?
I've got a good feeling about the come-from-behind embryo that turned into a blastocyst right while we were there.

2 "almost" blasts!

So we waited until day 5 and we transferred a blastocyst and a late stage morula! With all my ovary problems I can't have asked for more really. We have another slow one they'll try to freeze but probably won't make it.
Exciting news anyway!
Now for the 2WW.

4

So apparently another one fertilized and was just slow. Four is better than three. My clinic does day 3 transfers with 4 or less but I really want to wait until day 5. Since the evidence is inconclusive, it makes more sense to me to leave them in the petri dish, where they are doing well, then transfer them when they are blastocysts. Blastocysts have a much higher rate of implantation. I know this may mean that they all die in the petri dish but I feel they would have died in the uterus anyway. I have found no evidence that can say whether or not we know this isn't true. Obviously this is a discussion I have to have with the doctor tomorrow. So I don't know if tomorrow is transfer day or not. We also made an appointment with the councillor for tomorrow. My husband is concerned that I am too depressed with every negative. I definately AM but I feel I bounce back quickly. I don't think he feels any of this depression so he thinks it's not reasonable. Needless to say, it makes sense we talk to the IVF councillor.
So that's tomorrow.

And then there were 3

What a change in mood I can have in just one day.  Only 6 were mature, and then only 3 fertilized, even with ICSI.  Apparently my egg quality sucked.  So a lot more medication, many more trips to the clinic and in the end we got the same number as last time.  I feel the protocol was wasted.  I feel depressed and have little hope that any of the 3 will make it.  I don't want them put in on day 3 because I'd rather accept it on day 5 if they die before they make to to blast, instead of wondering for the next 2 weeks if one implanted.  I feel like I care about nothing.  I'm bored with my job and all of my life plans b/c the only thing I've really wanted for years is to have a baby.  I know that this depression will pass, and I know I should be hopeful about the 3 (if they even exist tomorrow) embryos that live in a petri dish a couple of hours away.  But for now, I can't imagine how that feels.  I'm so tired of this disappointment.

A Good Day

We got 9! That's a pretty big improvement from 3.
It wasn't as sore as last time either. I still felt each stab, obviously but it didn't make me want to cry. I did however cry when told we had 9. I blame the meds. :)
Tomorrow we'll find out how many were mature and fertilized. So at least today, I am happy and hopeful.

HCG

I took it yesterday. Retrieval tomorrow. I asked which doc, which I shouldn't have. It's the mean doc. Figures! I've had 4 other great docs over the past 2 weeks, and on the most important day I get the doc I don't like.
Oh well, positive thoughts only right?

Lots of driving

CD7- to the clinic as reported in my last post
CD8- returned to the clinic, 8 follicles but they're small, told to start ganirelex that night
CD10- back to the clinic, everything is progressing well, 9 follicles and a couple of tiny ones added. In the late afternoon I was called and told my blood work was high so I had to come back the next day.
CD11-back to clinic, my follicles that were all growing about 1mm a day jumped up about 3mm since yesterday. There are definately 9 good ones and a couple of little ones that are probably joining the game too late. One of the 9 is most likely the old cyst too. So 8?? That's better than 3 last time.

Tomorrow is CD12 and guess what? We're going back to the clinic. Apparently they'll know tomorrow if it's time to trigger.

So 5 trips in 6 days. That's a 2 hour drive both ways, bright and early in the morning. We get back in time for a 1 hour nap and then I head to work for 5 hours. Needless to say, it's been a long and tiring week. And I just LOVE that I'm supposed to be "relaxed" during this lovely time. PLEASE, let this work...

Deflated

I have been excited and hopeful. But I was really deflated today at the day 7 u/s. The doc counted 4 on the right, 3 on the left, and none bigger than 12mm. So there are less now (although I know there are probably some tiny ones there) and they're progressing even slower than last time. I have to go back tomorrow. It is stressful to have to drive 1.5 to 2 hrs there and back almost every day. And I guess planning Mon/Wed/Fri mornings off this week was off the mark, therefore more stress with the work schedule changes. The doc said "it looks a lot like last cycle" which is pretty depressing since I'm not pregnant from that cycle. I have a feeling this is a waste of our money and I am just not a good responder to IVF. But if I admit that, then what?
One day at a time though. Maybe tomorrow will have better news.

Dizziness

I had a rough morning. I was so light headed I had to lay down on the kitchen floor 3 times during my morning needles. Twice, I had to take to take the needle out so I didn't pass out on it. So I had a total of 5 needle punctures this morning. I have low BP but the meds must be adding to this because I never feel this faint. Or I guess it could have just been a side effect that won't bother me again. I hope tomorrow is better.

IVF#2 underway

So I had 10 follicles yesterday, not counting the cyst on the right. I hoped it would be more but at least it's a better start than last time.
I started 300 puregon and 75 menopur yesterday. It's like a little chemistry class mixing up the menopur. And b/c I want to use every last bit of the expensive puregon it means that is usually 2 needles. So I'm giving myself a lot of needles already and the ganirelix doesn't start until Saturday.

Excited

Tomorrow is the day 3 antral follicle count. I'm feeling positive and hoping for lucky number 13!
And we pick up our brand new CRV tomorrow on the way home. I bought my first car 9 years ago when I finished grad school. It's served me well, but had no "extras". This one is supped up! Exciting.
And the back door opens up to 90^ so all I need now is the baby to put in it.

CD1

I've made the phone call and am awaiting call back with my appointment time on Tuesday. IVF #2 here we come!

Waiting for CD 1

Cramps for the past 2 days but nothing yet. So I've had 6 days of estrace so far and will probably get tomorrows dose in too. Who knew I'd ever be excited about getting an antral follicle count? Infertility sucks.

Estrogen starts!

I start "priming" today. There is so much less stress starting up this IVF cycle b/c I have a student at work and she can continue with my clients when I'm off at appointments. And I know what to expect.
Starting my positive thinking...

The Appointment I've Been Waiting For

The short version is, it went well. I feel really good with our answers and am excited to start priming with estrace in 5 days (day 21). I had 13 follicles on u/s again today so maybe the retrieval numbers will be higher this time.

I have to write a long version too. Partly b/c I am talkative and partly b/c I laughed about 3 times today, and that's surprising at these appointments.
Our doc went through our IVF attempt and we discussed what worked/what didn't and why it might have failed. Apparently they just did rounds on low ovarian reserve and she wants to try the estrogen priming protocol with me. She said we shouldn't start the next cycle until January b/c I'm probably too late to start priming now (and the next cycle would run into the Xmas break). I asked how it was that I was going to start a cycle 2 weeks ago, and now she's saying January. She was shocked that the orders said to start in October and admitted she made a mistake. Really, I'm not upset with this mistake, b/c "it happens" but I told her that I was upset with the nursing staff whom I called 3 different times to clarify these orders with. They were irritated that I asked saying thing like "the doctor wouldn't order a cycle if she didn't think you were ready" and empty comments like that. Today our doc said, "to be honest, I think someone told me you were desparate to start a new cycle and I didn't realize you JUST finished one". I laughed b/c I specifically asked a nurse once that I was cancerned she was starting me on a new cycle too early b/c I had cried on day 1 after a failed IVF and didn't want to wait 4 months to start again. That nurse was pissed at me, think it absurd that a doc would make a decision based on that. Why the fuck, didn't ANY one of the nurses I spoke with ever go back to the doc and question these orders? Idiots.
Something fun to share with other TTCers who know what every twinge, CM, and temp change means; doc said she wanted to u/s me to see what cycle day I was on, therefore whether or not it was too late to start estrace. Docs never believe I know my cycle that well, but I told her anyway. "I have eggwhite CM still but felt twinges on my left ovary so I think I'm ovulating today. Remember I have a cyst on my right so if you see a large follicle there, it's not b/c I'm about to ovulate". She laughed and I doubt she believed me. But the u/s showed a corpus luteum and fresh fluid at the left suggesting I ovulated last night. I love being right about this shit since doc after doc thinks they know more than I do about my cycles!
And my final "funny" thing revolved around our feeling of poor communication with the doc during and after IVF. We had several times in the past couple of months where i wanted a real answer instead of the nurses "im sure it will be ok" or "everythings normal" crap. She was awesome with our complaints, again apologetic about the mix up with her orders for early IVF, but wrote down that if we want, we can ask for her to call us to answer any questions during this cycle. Now that we've been through it, we probably won't gave any for her, but it's nice to have the option. She also thanked us for the feedback and it seemed genuine. So we go into the meeting with the nurse re: medication education and she says "I see here that there was a communication problem with your first cycle. What's that about?". My first instinct was to say "none of your f'ing business" b/c it's been worked out and I was feeling good. Instead I told her briefly about the doc putting down the wrong orders, me knowing it, but 3 different nurses telling me nothing was wrong. Nurse responds "well, that's the doctors fault, it's not our fault". My husband said sarcastically (which only I picked up on) "yeah yeah, it definately wasn't your fault" which made me stiffle giggles for the rest of that meeting. She thought it was SO important to find blame, instead of just learning from the issue. I was very pleasant the whole time too, so she wasn't just responding to my tone. Whatever. I assume this whole IVF cycle will be followed with the orders "communication problem" now which will be interesting to watch how I'm treated.

Off to order up the next batch of IVF meds...

Questions for the doc

So Tuesday is our "follow up" appointment with the doctor.  It's crazy to think I was possibly going to start IVF again 2 weeks ago, and my follow up is only this week.  My questions (they'll sound much less formal in the office):
1. How is this new protocol going to increase my ovarian production?  I want to know the science, I always do.
2. How are we going to make sure I don't have a cyst on my right ovary again?  I don't want this cycle cancelled.  (I am aware that they can't just wave a wand to get rid of my cyst, I just don't like that it hasn't been acknowledged that I always have a cyst on u/s).
3. My period was really light after IVF, just as it always is.  I was told it would be heavy.  Couldn't this affect implantation?
I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting some answers.  Then we'll order our next dose of medications and wait for this cycle to end.
I'm ovulating yesterday/today or tomorrow, so I'm half way through the cycle.  Of course, I always have quiet hopes that we'll get pregnant on our own but at least I'm planning ahead now.

Neat story

Someone I used to work with, had long standing TTC issues.  When I met her a few years ago she told me that they couldn't have children and they had decided that they liked their life and were moving on.  They had tried for 8 years, with several years in fertility interventions.  When she was 39, she got pregnant.  It was a shock and surprise and they had a healthy baby boy. The four of us are getting together for dinner in a couple of weeks and I may need to cancel if it falls on an IVF day.  So, I just told her about a week ago (via email) that I was in the infertility boat.   She emailed me saying that if I wanted to talk, she was always available.  Then just last night emailed me to tell me that she is pregnant again.  She also said, that she hoped we'd find their story encouraging but they'd totally understand if we didn't want to go to dinner right now b/c it's hard being around pregnant people.  I love having someone in my life that actually GETS IT.  Even my husband doesn't seem to understand why I'm depressed when people announce their pregnancies, or when people ask me if i have any children.  I should have been talking to this friend a long time ago.

Nothing to report

I have nothing really to say. I'm on cycle day 10, waiting for the next cycle to start IVF. I have 4 more pounds to lose, so that I'm back to my June weight before I just kind of stopped caring. I'm not seeing a lot of new positives out in TTC world so that always sucks.

The Visit

The ultrasound for antral follicle count showed 6 follicles on each side, but a 1.3 cm one on the right (again).  Why do I always have a cyst on this ovary?  Last time it was closer to 2.0 cm but it would have been drained on retrieval day, so this is another one.  Everytime I have had a u/s, I have a cyst on the right.  I'm aware of the pain every few cycles on my right.  One time I passed out when I "burst".  The thing is, my blood work is consistently off as well.  Last IVF cycle the Dr. told me at some point that the cyst probably had nothing to do with my low ovarian reserve issue, but today she had written orders not to proceed with IVF if I had any follicles bigger than 1.0 cm.  I am totally OK with this because I had a mid-November cycle in my mind anyway.  I'm only concerned that the cyst will still exist NEXT month and I'll be told to wait again.  I asked what they do if the cyst is there and have been told "lets just wait and see if it IS there".  Maybe they only care b/c it is only 3 weeks since my last IVF?  Maybe in another month this little cyst with my odd blood work doesn't matter?  I really hate that I have so many questions that can never be answered.  We do meet with the Dr. on November 4th though, so I guess answers are coming.

So no IVF until mid-November.

The real positive of today was that I had 12 antral follicles! It's not a huge number but it's significantly better than 8.  It puts me in the 48% success from IVF group instead of 41%.  So that's promising.  And we have this new protocol to look forward to too.  I asked the nurse about this protocol but they just don't seem to be able to give me the detailed information I want.  Again, the Dr. appointment November 4th will help with these questions.

So, I have a month and then it all begins again.  Excited!

Wow, this one took me by surprise!

Yesterday was CD1, about 5 days early for me.  If it has to be negative, it might as well come early right?  So I called the clinic and got my call back pretty quickly.  I am to go in on Monday for BW and u/s and apparently start my next IVF cycle.  I don't get why I couldn't get this information before now.  Apparently I will NOT be on the bcp again this month but instead the protocol combines the high dose of puregon with menopur.  I have to look this stuff up still, having just got home from a weekend "trip".  On the phone, I asked why my cycle is starting so quickly now when I was first told I had to wait at least 2 months.  I mean, it's been 3 weeks since my negative blood test!  Don't get me wrong, I am happy to start this up right away but is it the right decision?  I don't want us to be wasting our money.  I am concerned that b/c I cried to the nurses about not wanting the next IVF cycle to be delayed b/c of the clinic's Christmas holidays, my cycle is being pushed up.  The nurse informed me, with some attitude, that the Dr. wouldn't tell me to start early if it was going to waste our money.
So, bw and u/s tomorrow.  I guess the cycle won't start if those are out of wack, which I wouldn't be that surprised with since it's only been 3 weeks.  If anyone is reading this blog that has started a second IVF cycle so quickly, please let me know what you know/think.  Otherwise, I guess I'll ask it another way tomorrow: "Why, when most people wait 2 cycles,  will I benefit from starting only 1 cycle later?"  If they can answer this question then I'll feel better.
It's pretty exciting though, that we could be starting IVF again tomorrow. Especially when I haven't been expecting it yet.

Mainly just complaining

So our friends were here for a couple of days. They are great friends and we like to visit with them. I have told only a very select few about TTC and our issues, so to be fair, they have no idea. BUT, I still want to complain. She likes to talk about all the things she is learning as a mom and explains them like they are "pointers" for my future. I know this is just her personality, but it is really annoying when you're sensitive.
And the big kicker, she asked me to take her to the drugstore last night. On the way there she tells me that she needs a pregnancy test because she'd like to drink but thinks she might be pregnant. Apparently they decided 3 weeks ago that they would like to try for #2. I'm listening to her thinking "am I seriously going to have to watch her test positive and act happy". It's one thing to do it when you find out a few months in, it's a completely other thing to actually wait for results with her. But, I was happy to be living in a small town because no drugstores were open (Thanksgiving). Now she can go find out at home and I'll deal with it in a couple of months when she announces.
I can't believe we're still here trying while they have gotten pregnant, had their baby, watched him grow for 1.5 years and are now likely pregnant with their second. I'm so jealous, and so sad.

On another note, I have clarified with our clinic that we are to go in on my next day 3 and start the new protocol. I don't know what this protocol is yet but will analyze that on day 3. I do actually hope it involves the bcp, even though I may have a low ovarian reserve, because I didn't take the bcp the first time. I want to go with a closer to normal protocol and see how my ovaries respond.

Hockey

A non-TTC fact about me; I absolutely LOVE hockey. This game puts me through every emotion. It's fast, tough, athletic and skilled. Go Oilers!

Happy Thanksgiving Canadians!

We are having friends over this weekend, along with their 1.5 year old son. Great friends and a great kid. They got pregnant in their second month of trying. We had started trying about 2 months before them (although I've never told them that). Like with almost all of our friends, I find myself "worrying" everytime I am about to see them, that they'll announce their NEXT pregnancy and I'll struggle to look happy.
I know it's coming, just hopefully not this weekend.

Crazy thinking

I think I'm ovulating sometime today/tonight. I know that there is really no chance we can get pregnant the easy way. We have had perfectly timed cycles for 2.5 years. But, I'm crazy because I'm always hopeful. Maybe IVF changed something?

Nothing to say

I'm away at a course and enjoying thinking about something else other than TTC.  Not that I have totally stopped thinking about it.  I'm still checking my CM and staring longingly at the pregnant women at the course.

Just thinking...

I'm feeling good and looking forward to our next IVF try.
But I'm finding my self more emotional reading other's blogs these days.  People with negatives, people realizing that can't continue on with TTC for financial reasons or more personal reasons.  I am sad for them, and I worry that this may happen to me (us) someday.  My husband assures me that we can keep trying.  But there is always an end.  And if we don't want to end up childless, then don't we have to think about adoption and the money THAT will cost at some point?  It is really the "A word" for me right now, but when do I need to think about that? 2 more IVF cycles?  I guess I'll know when the time comes?

Odd call from clinic

I had a message from our fertility clinic yesterday.  A nurse called and said that she spoke with our doc and apparently I should call on my next day 3.  I'm not sure what this means.  BCP at the end of October? Or just investigating my ovarian reserve?  It sounds like I'm going to get to do another IVF cycle before Christmas though so that's exciting.
So my October goal is to lose the 8lbs I gained over the past 2 months.  It would be nice to accomplish that weight loss before the next cycle.

The blogs I read and other fine information

Pufferfish:  I'm not totally sure how I found all the blogs I read.  I found some off of google and then a lot of the girls link to other blogs.  Looking for support through the last couple of years, I tried a couple of discussion boards too but I'm not that impressed with the quality of conversations on those boards.  I prefer the blogs.  So some girls I read all the time, and others I read more when I'm going through the same thing as they are.   It's been exciting seeing people get pregnant after trying for so long and it gives me hope.

Thanks for the advice, guys.  I can't seem to get any answers until our meeting with the doc November 3rd.  That seems so far away, but I guess I'll still be in the "break" that they require.  Hopefully, if I don't need the bcp, I'll be able to start at the end of November then.

Complaint of the day:  I'm at a publicly funded institution for my fertility centre, as I live in Canada, and this is a clinic I can get to in under 2 hours.  The problem is, we still pay for IVF privately in my province (although this may change in the near future).  So, we pay as if we have no public funding but I have to wait to see the publicly funded doctor when the IVF doesn't work (or for every other consult).  This typically takes me 3-4 months.  The only reason I only have to wait 1.5 months this time is because I lied to her receptionist in July and told her I was doing an August cycle instead of September.  How insane that I could have had a negative result in August and had to wait until November 3rd for my next consult!  The nurse that called me on Saturday actually said "ok dear, we need to get you to make a follow up appointment with your doctor now to discuss your next plan".  Are you kidding me?  If I waited until NOW to book an appointment I'd be seeing her in January.

Fun thing of the day: The power was out at my work today.  I called all my clients and gave them the choice to rebook and they all came.  So I worked all day in the near dark.  And my iphone was my only working phone, calendar, flashlight and email.  Silly day, but I liked it.

other stuff:  My cramps are still significant although much better than 2 days ago. But my period still only lasted 2 days.  It was definitely heavier than normal for the first day but gone already by day 3.   No one seems to care about my light periods so I always let it go, but this is going on my list of things to discuss on November 3rd.

Acceptance

My girlfriend came down to visit this weekend, which has been great.  We did a lot of shopping yesterday, and although I am not usually a "shopper" it did feel good to spend money wildly. (I am aware that I'm already spending money wildly with IVF though).
The call from the clinic re: blood test didn't go exactly as I hoped.  Apparently this month "doesn't count" and then the next cycle I have to take off.  So the earliest we can start again is end of November.  Assuming she'll want to start me with the bcp this time, IVF cycle would fall over Christmas.  They don't actually start IVF cycles that will fall over Christmas, so guess what?  Another delay.  It looks like it's mid-January now.  Wow, this seems far away.  I am moving into acceptance though.
We have to cancel a trip to Florida with our friends since that was planned for the 2nd week in January.  That sucks too.
Oh and severe cramps, keeping me awake most of the night.  With a very heavy period.  I guess that's all the medications fault.
But during my shopping spree yesterday,  I bought several items to refresh our bathrooms.  So there is a happy feeling when I use the bathroom now.  That's something.

Doing ok

I was pretty upset yesterday. And I'm still sad, but I think I might be better than I usually am with a BFN. Tonight, my husband and I talked about our next step. I think I'd like to take October off, but ONLY October. So maybe start the bcp at the end of October (if I even have this choice). I want a new protocol though, for this "low ovarian reserve" shit. If I can move on with a new plan, I think it will help.
My receptionist told me she is 10 weeks pregnant today. I'm happy for her, just jealous that I can't get pregnant. It's a little tough to take that announcement at this moment but whatever.
I am thinking of social events I don't think I can attend for a while, just until I'm a little more stable.

And thanks for the comments, Lucky Little 13. I'm excited to hear if you have 1 or 2 in there!

BFN

more cramps

I'm going to test tomorrow morning, but I'm not feeling good about it these past 2 days.  I know everyone feels that way, but my cramps are very "familiar".  I don't see how this isn't going to result in AF.

Oh, I hope I'm wrong.

cramps

i had a little last night
a little during today
and a lot tonight..abdomen and back cramps
i'm concerned this isn't good news

6dp3dt

I kind of just wanted to type my day since people do it on the message boards and stuff.  I kept somewhat busy this weekend but when i wasn't i read several blogs and thousands of message board messages.  A lot of people start testing around this day.  I planned to wait until 9dp3dt.  BUT, on FF searching I found a lot of positives on 11dpo.  So I've convinced myself I could start testing that day.
I'm scared though. I'm very hopeful and keep self-talking my positive thoughts.  But I'm scared this didn't work and how depressed this could make me feel.  I've had such a rough time with negatives over the past year, and so much hope was in this IVF.  I know, we can do it again in a couple of months.  I'm just so tired of waiting.
I'm crampy this afternoon.  Not bad, but it's definitely there.  And it's not the retrieval pains I was having anymore.

Migraine #1

I get migraines.  Usually a couple a month.  Since I was a tween.
In the past 2.5 years, TTC, I have taken a lot less medications than I used to (all those 2WWs) and therefore I don't function with my headaches as well as I used to.
Today is the FIRST one since I started IVF.  I didn't have any from the medications in the first 1/2 of the cycle.  I'm pretty sure today's is caused by the quick weather shift, but it's bad.  I'm just starting to come around right now, with that feeling of nausea.

Anyway, I read quite a few infertility blogs.  I'm a lurker, but I'm faithful at it.  Many of my bloggers have started or are starting IVF in the past month or so.  Today the third in a row got a positive result!  Awesome.
This IVF thing does sound very hopeful.

Stuff

I'm still feeling a light ache, like light cramps. I wonder if it's the progesterone/ water retention at this point. It can't still be the retrieval can it?
And I have heartburn every night at bed now. I have for almost a week, so it's nothing "hopeful" it's just there. And severe. I'm sleeping with extra pillows and chewing the rolaids (since their sodium free). Progesterone?
And I'm tired. I think that's b/c I'm not exercising, and I usually exercise most nights.
This entry seems very negative..which is odd b/c I don't feel negative today. Actually I keep thinking about how this really can't NOT work. I mean 2 good quality day 3s, lots of progesterone..it HAS to work.

Back to work

Happy to be busy. Sitting around yesterday just gave me too much time to think. I've made my work schedule easier but busy enough to keep me busy.
T-10 days until beta.

Transfer complete

This morning we had 2 embryos. An 8-celled and a 7-celled, both grade 2. Since every lab seems to grade differently, grade 2 means minimal fragmentation. The doc says she rarely sees a grade 1 and that our embryos looked great.
They only use the blastocyst stage to "select" the best embryos so there is no benefit, in their minds, to wait until day 5. I asked is a Petri dish with the correct nutrients could better mimic the Fallopian tubes as compared to my uterus ( since day 3 embryos wouldn't actually be in the uterus yet) but the doc said there is no real way to know. Googling this info tells me that it's a matter of opinion.
The transfer is easy, as everyone says it is. We saw the woosh of air and such on the ultrasound as the catheter emptied the embryos into the top of my uterus. And we have a little picture to remember it by. Hopefully this is our first picture of our child/children.
Oh, and this doc actually warned me before she put the speculum in. It's funny that I'd be thankful for that.

Transfer tomorrow?

So there are definately only 2. But that's 2 more than 0. Tomorrow we learn about the quality and probably transfer them both.
I'm excited.

waiting...

Today they're supposed to set up an appointment time for me tomorrow as well as let me know how the little guys are doing.  They make all their phone calls before 3:00/

They still haven't called and it's 1:37..I hate when they take this long

Obsurdities

As a separate post, I just want to complain about 2 things.
4 days ago, I asked bitchy nurse (most of the nurses are great) "what are the restrictions". She went on to tell me about how bed rest has no benefits and to change nothing. My husband and I talked about me trying to take it easy at work anyway, just to be careful. She then told me I'd come back on either day 3 OR 5 for transfer, which we'd figure out in the next 2 days.
Yesterday I was told to not lift over 10lbs, no bending/twisting/pushing and to decrease stress. Also that I come in on day 3 AND 5 so we can figure out our best option there. So was bitchy nurse just an idiot? They tell several people the sane thing every day so how was she wrong? It's just annoying b/c I asked to help me with work scheduling and such.

Second, I hate one of the docs. She did my day 3 u/s and lied to me. She did my day 11 and just seems aggravated when you ask for any info. And of course, she did my retrieval yesterday. The other 2 docs were both great with my questioning and they seemed empathetic and reassuring. I don't understand people staying in jobs when they are no longer empathetic. This woman is obviously smart, so I'm sure she could find another job where patients didn't want to talk to her or ask her questions. During the retrieval I just felt like she didn't care. Maybe it would have hurt the same with the other docs, I don't know. She didn't even warn me before she put in a speculum. All of a sudden she pushed that baby in and stews it open. Then checks something and takes it out again. I've had a lot of paps with several different docs over the years and have never been taken by surprise by the oh-so-comfortable speculum. The big kicker, when I was crying after the proceedure, she came back in to tell me "3" but seeing that I was crying said "was it something that I said?".
WTF? Was she cracking a joke? What a fucking bitch.
I'm now not going to focus on the negative... Although I hope transfer is with a different doc.

Retrieval

3 eggs.
Not a lot.
But all we need is 1, right?

The proceedure was "interesting". While me and 2 other girls got gowned and IV'd and such for our retrievals, the men were out producing their samples.
- Our facility moved buildings lately. At the last place, the guys had to walk to a separate building and "produce" in a OBGYN room. Then walk back with their sample. How insane! This building actually has rooms just for "producing" with tvs and porn and such. Much better.
Anyway, retrieval hurt more the longer it went on. They give sedation meds but I have to say, the pain broke through those meds. By the second ovary, I felt like she was repeatedly stabbing me. It was near to watch on the u/s screen as the follicles were drained though. During it, someone poked their head in and said "we've got one". They find this out pretty much instantly, I guess. After she "cleaned up around the ovaries" I started crying a little and then couldn't stop. When the doc said "3" I was really disappointed so that, with the tears already, and a mix of hormones and sedation meds, I lost it a little. It took me at least 5 mins to stop and get control. Odd.

I slept most of yesterday afternoon. But generally, I feel like I have strong cramping pain. It's livable.

I just got my call. All three were mature and 2 have fertilized so far. Hopefully the 3rd one looks fertilized by tomorrow. We used ICSI so, although happy with at least 2 (my mind has been thinking of worse case scenario for 24hrs) I though all 3 would fertilize. Well, grow little fellas. We'll see you in 2 days.

HCG is on board!

That felt like a little chemistry experiment, combining the sterile water with the chorionic gonadotropin.
So get ready little oocytes..we're coming for you
Fingers crossed for healthy, mature eggs on Friday

CD 11 - huh

Today the u/s was done by the not-so-nice doc.  She is a grouch and doesn't like questions.
My right has 2 or 3 over the criteria (although one of them is a cyst), my left has 4 over the criteria.  There were a couple of others but she didn't measure them since "it looks like she has 4 ready".  I have the required amount and the criteria to "HCG" tomorrow night.  I asked her, "so does it look like I'm only going to get 4?".  She said "no, I didn't measure some.  You'll probably get 4 to 6".  Wow, that's really not a lot for the time, money, meds... as the other doc said "it is what it is".
Whatever that means.

Retrieval is on Friday, or CD14.  36 hours after I trigger.  I really need my husband's sperm to be AWESOME.  It has to compensate for my lack of egg production and fertilize all my eggs.  Will there be enough eggs to make it to transfer?

Ganirelix

It DOES sting a little.

Day 9 - looking up?

Well, better news at this appointment:

right ovary - 20mm (the cyst is smaller?), 19mm, 14mm and a new one at 9mm

left ovary - 19 mm, 18mm, 18mm, 14mm and 2 new ones at 9mm and 8mm

The shitty news remains that there are so few follicles, I can easily remember the measurements that the doctor tells the nurse.  The good news is that things are progressing and there is a chance I may have 8-10 by day 13.  Go Ovaries Go!

It was a quick appointment today.  My meds stay the same so there was no meeting with the nurse.  I didn't get a phone call before 3:00 so that means my blood work is doing ok.

I feel "full" with some pressure in my lower abdomen.  I am continuing to do a daily gentle cardio workout b/c it calms me.  I am a little concerned about my work days this week as they are PACKED since I booked off 2 days for appointments and it's already a short week.  I shouldn't be scheduling such busy days.  

Anyway, the waiting game continues...

Day 7

Today the u/s showed:
right ovary - 22mm, 10mm, 7mm
left ovary - 14mm, 13mm, 8mm, 8mm
All signs are definitely pointing to a "low ovarian reserve".  Although this is very depressing, I actually feel better than I did on Monday because I "know" something.  I feel better knowing what is probably the problem and hoping that we can deal with that.
Apparently it just goes day by day now.  The Dr. said that we need 4 follicles at 15mm to continue with IVF.  If it looks like we're going to get less, than we'll convert to IUI.
She doesn't think the cyst is the reason for the blood work issues.  My blood work seems back in the ballpark though so that's odd to me.
So, this information is making me accept that we may need many tries at this.  Hopefully, if this cycle is converted to IUI, the next cycle will be approached differently b/c of this information.  I'm disappointed that our wait for a child is probably going to continue on for more months. I'm not very emotionally stable when it comes to congratulating people on their pregnancies and births..I really need to control that.
At least we have an explanation.  If I'm producing so little follicles on 300iu of Puregon, I assume Clomid did nothing.  And all those months without meds? wow.  Information does feel good.
So tonight I start taking Ganirelix and continue with the daily does of Puregon at 300ui.  This needle looks a little bigger.

Puregon 300 ui symptoms

Yesterday I felt good. Energetic and generally good.
Today I felt very very tired, but still good. I am a frequent migraine sufferer so who knew I could feel so good with all this Puregon? Here's hoping the next mess are ok too.
I may be fooling myself, but I think it's going to go ok tomorrow. I have had no right sided pain (like I seem to monthly when I ovulate). I have had general pressure in my lower abdomen but more left sided than right. Fingers crossed that all will proceed.

Trying to be positive

I'm feeling a little better today but not a lot. I had a very busy work day, so that helped.
What I didn't say yesterday is that I had only 5 follicles on my left ovary and 3 on my right (including the 20mm cyst). So that, plus my high FSH and Estradiol shows possible ovarian reserve issues. How could I be TTC for 29 cycles and never found that out until now? Could it be wrong and the functional cyst is throwing everything out of Nikolaj Coster-Waldau Nikolaj Coster-Waldau I hate that I have to wait until Friday to find out more.
BUT, I have read lots of successful IVF stories with only 8 follicles on day 3 now so I'm trying to be hopeful again. I am sad that I was so hopeful and now I lost that.
I've done 2 shots now and they don't hurt at all. I was headachey all day but I get a lot of headaches so it was probably stead, not the Puregon.
2 more days to go.

Low ovarian reserve at 35?

The rest of the appointment was pretty shitty.  Even though the doctor looked me in the eye and said "everything is where we expect it to be", when it came to the appointment with the nurse she read what the doctor had written and told me it didn't look good.  The cyst is there, and bigger than it was in April.  We didn't have the bloods back yet so didn't know if it was a "functional cyst" or not but it WAS in April.  My estradiol was 550 in April and apparently it is supposed to be under 200.  Although, when google Day 3 bloods most sites say less than 100 is normal for estradiol.
Today's blood work was estradiol 200 and FSH 11.  Both these numbers show that I may have a low ovarian reserve or that there is a functional cyst.  I'd like to think it's the cyst.  The clinic wants to act like it's the cyst and go ahead with the meds for this week.  Apparently since I'm "only 35" my ovaries might still perk up.  On Friday (Day 7) we'll see where everything is and whether the cycle can continue.
I asked what can be done about the cyst.  The nurse this morning said we can wait until next cycle (yeah, like it will all of a sudden be gone after 6 months) or we could have it drained.  I'd have to discuss this with the doctor.  I don't see my doctor until November now so this doc who does the ultrasounds better talk with me on Friday.  She obviously was "so busy" she gave me a generic comment this morning and sent me to the nurse to deal with the issue.  How insulting.  I know they're busy but did she have to lie to me?  This doctor was a bitch the last time I had a cyst too, very quick to say "I'm not your doctor so you'll have to speak with her".  BUT you can't speak with your own doctor for months.  Only to the nurses, who speak to the doctor, then call you back 4 hours later with an inadequate answer.
I asked the nurse this afternoon if I was going to spend the whole cycle worrying that it could be cancelled any day and she said we'll know if it has to be cancelled on Friday.

So today sucked.

On a positive note, we were sent to a pharmacy where the owner sells all the fertility meds at a 2% markup and no dispensing fee.  Apparently she had gone through fertility treatment and therefore wants to help US out.  Isn't that awesome?
And I took me first shot (300 ui of Puregon) and it didn't hurt.  Great.

At the clinic

So I have a cyst on my right ovary but it didn't phase anyone. Apparently "everything is what we expect". So not standing out and not falling behind. I'll take that.
I met a nice woman while waiting who is back for her second round after being successful 5 years ago. That's always great to hear.
Just waiting for injection teaching now and then it REALLY begins.

CD 1

So Monday is my first day of B/W and u/s for IVF #1. I am SO hopeful and excited. Could we finally be pregnant in just 28 days? I'm feeling very good about this.

Continuing to stare at the calender

I'm changing my guess to CD1 tomorrow and CD3 as Monday, which means I have several clients to reschedule.  This is not going to stress me out though.  I have been excited about this, knowing I will have several days that I have to cancel my clients.  Sunday just sounded like a nice alternative to that.  I guess I still have a few hours for Sunday to be a possibility...

Cramps

Left sided cramps have started.  Any other cycle, I would be:

• trying to convince myself that they aren't actually cramps
• going on FF to see how many people had cramps 9dpo and got a BFP
• checking for spotting every hour
• trying to visualize a healthy implantation

This cycle, my neurotic tendency is to look at my calender, guess my CD1, count to CD3 and think about how I will have to change my schedule that day.  So today's guess is that CD1 is tomorrow, making CD3 BW and U/S start on Sunday.  Perfect!

The Terrible Thoughts

Tonight my mom told me that my sister was going to "try to get pregnant".  My sister is 2 years older than me, so I knew she would soon.
I just hate my thoughts as I drove home.  I'm so jealous of everyone who gets pregnant now.  I stopped going to baby showers at least a year ago b/c it makes me sad and jealous and I don't like being that person.  But, I really don't want my sister to get pregnant before me.  I can't imagine how jealous I'd be, and angry for my own fertility problems.
My self talk is that "no one should have to go through infertility".   No one should have to experience the highs and lows of living month to month.  So I do hope it's fast and easy for her.
I just hope IVF will get me there too.  So I'm only happy for us both and not jealous.

Mondays

Busy days at work help me to stop thinking about next week's IVF and anything that could go wrong to cancel the cycle. Who knew that I could like Mondays?

I am a worrier.

I try not to, but the more time I have on my hands, the more I worry.  Basically, it's better that I keep busy.  I'm usually busy during the week but on the weekends I either need a good book, to be busy with work, or  something planned socially.  I just finished my book so I've started "thinking".
(BTW I just finished "The curious incident of the dog in the night-time" by Mark Haddon - unique book, easy read, I liked it).
Usually I read fertility blogs/infertility blogs and even browse through charts on FF.  Today I've been reading over all of my IVF information given to us at our education session a few months ago.
My Dr. did not put me on the BCP because I get migraines.  The hormone drop when stopping the BCP commonly causes migraines so she told me we'll just start the IVF cycle from a natural cycle.  I've been fine with this decision up until 4 days ago when I ovulated.  I had significant right sided pain, which has happened before.  Once, it was a burst ovarian cyst.  The next time, I am sure it was a cyst since on my next Day 3 u/s I had a functional cyst which cancelled one of our IUI cycles.
The point to BCP before IVF cycle is supposed to be to "give the ovaries a break", "establish schedules", and "decrease the risk of cysts".  So right now I'm worried that my IVF cycle, which should start in 7-9 days, could be cancelled b/c of cyst issues.  I'm SO excited and hopeful about IVF.  I have days off work somewhat figured out (we live 2 hours from our fertility centre so basically every second day I'm off work for 2 weeks).  I REALLY hope that there isn't a cyst in there preparing to delay IVF.
In the meantime, back to reading the internet...

1 or 2 Blastocysts?

As I await the start of my first IVF cycle (8 -10 days), I have one decision to make.  IF enough eggs are retrieved, IF enough eggs are fertilized, and then IF enough fertilized eggs make to to the blastocyst stage, we have to decide on 1 or 2 for transfer.  I was told there is an increased risk of birth defects with twins.  My fertility centre is not able to tell me how much of an increase in risk, just that "there is an increased risk and you have to decide if you want to risk it".  Thanks for that scientific answer.

I like to see stats.  I like to see the research.  I like to see opinions.  And I don't mind spending time trying to compile this information.  So, I used a medical search data base, google, and several blog sites to help me (us) with our decision.

Although the stats vary slightly, it seems to be that 50% of all twins will be born premature (and low birth weight)  and 9% will be very premature (and very low birth rate).  In comparison, singletons will be premature 7% very premature 4% of the time.
Infant mortality rate for twins is around 3% compared to 0.3% for singletons.
Many twins are delivered healthy.
Monozygotic twins have a higher rate of congenital anomalies than dizygotic twins.
There is an increased maternal risk for obstetric complications with twins.
Beyond increased risk of prematurity and mortality, the increased risk of complications for twins includes respiratory distress syndrome, necrotizing enterocolitis, sepsis, intracranial hemorrhage, congenital malformations, cerebral palsy and other long-term neurological complications.  Finding the specific increased risk for each of these complications was nearly impossible.  I did find the cerebral palsy risk among one or both of the twins at about 7% compared to 1.6% for singletons.

A few interesting papers discussed single embryo transfer (SET) with IVF/ICSI.  Basically, with double embryo transfer (DET) the percentage of pregnancy (this includes miscarriages) is 50% with 30% of these pregnancies being twins.  With SET the pregnancy rate is 30-35% with only 2% twins (obviously).    In theory, if you choose SET, the other "best" embryos can be frozen and used in the next cycle if pregnancy isn't achieved.  SO, these researchers are suggesting physicians encourage SET instead of DET to decrease the risks associated with twins.  The researches talk about the expense of IVF and that  most people will choose DET, even if it's not the "best" choice.
Not one paper that I read pointed out how depressing it is to get negative results cycle after cycle and by the time someone gets to IVF they have had so many negative cycles that they are desperate for a positive.

All of my hope is in IVF now.  I am hopeful and excited for the first time in 10 months.  I really need a positive result.  50% and 35% is a HUGE difference.  And I know that the embryo isn't wasted but it may not make it through freezing or thawing.  Even with a positive pregnancy, only 30% of those are twins.  I would, however, feel terrible if either twin had a disability because I couldn't wait another cycle or two.
As of today, with the above information, I'm leaning toward transferring 2.  In the end, we may not even have this decision, but I feel better being prepared for the decision.  Plus, it keeps me busy instead of reading all the TWW sites.