Worried?

My clinic doesn't really care about doubling time. Their protocol is to do one blood test a week and as long as it's still increasing within a large range of normal, u/s is scheduled for the next week.
So my 14dpo beta was 335.
The 20dpo beta was 1593.
This is in the range of normal but it is a big drop. And it means the doubling time is only 61hrs. They say they don't care about that but DON'T we?
Hummm

Inappropriate thoughts

A client of mine just finished her first IVF about a week before me.  She talked openly about it the whole time, I obviously didn't say a word about mine.  She is pregnant.  She never thought she wouldn't be.  I am happy for her.  I think it's great that she didn't have to go through the heartache and depression that several failed IVFs bring with it.  But I have this feeling of jealousy too.  How f'd up is that?  Getting to IVF is hell enough.   I don't wish this on anyone (although I may wish that everyone could experience just ONE negative pee stick so that they could possibly understand that it is disappointing).
It just really rubbed me the wrong way today when she said she was going to "try to be healthy now".  She is going to "cut down on caffeine and sugar and try to eat less fast food".  I just can't believe that she never did this before, struggling with infertility and being forced to do IVF.  I guess she didn't have to.  It's just hard to hear "IVF is so hard, having to give yourself painful needles everyday".  I can't say I even think of the needles as a difficulty.  It's the time and the emotional highs and lows and the worrying constantly through the 2WW.
It definitely helped that I am currently pregnant.  I don't know how I would have taken that conversation if this IVF had failed too.

Thanks

Thank you for all your comments. We have barely told anyone about our TTC and IVF attempts, so we definitely aren't talking about this. It's nice to have a blogging community to talk about it. My co-workers, who surely would have known about IVF #5 due to my change in schedule, have let me keep my pseudo-privacy since IVF #3. I wonder if they'll pick up on my change of mood or not.
I did tell my mom and dad. They have watched us go through some pretty dark days so I had to tell them this great news.
I would prefer a singleton but will not complain if there are more in there. How crazy to go from more than 30 failed natural cycles and 4 failed IVFs, to my first ever beta of 335 (whatever that number may mean)
Thanks again guys.

beta

mine was 335
What's a normal day 14 beta?  I know I could look but I'm at work.

Weird feeling

Thanks everyone!
I guess this takes a long time to sink in?  I keep having little bouts of feeling happy, relieved, relaxed, but in general I think it's hard to believe.  Every month I think my 2WW feels a little different, and then it starts feeling the same.  This time it never felt the same.  I didn't have daily headaches and I never had steady cramps.  That bloated feeling since Tuesday, I've never felt.  Still, it was very scary to test.
So, having never bought anything re: pregnancy, I have now bought 3 books.  One has some great recipes so I did a special grocery trip to buy some different items.  Now I'll wait until the beta results before I buy anything else.  I had my first blood test Friday so I'll get the results sometime Monday afternoon (it takes 1.5 regular working days to get blood results in my shitty little city).
I'm pregnant!

Pregnant!

My first ever :)

9dp3dt - babbling

Work is busy and therefore I am easily getting through the days. The evenings, though, seem to be about over thinking every sensation. I SWEAR I am feeling different things than I usually do. My concern is that I always think I'm feeling different things. I have cramps of different sorts but they don't seem like my usual steady ache. I had a headache yesterday but it came on suddenly and left really quickly too. The weirdest thing is this tightening I feel all through my upper abdominal muscles. When I stand up straight I feel so much tightness. Isn't it too early for a symptom like that.
As of today, I'm feeling hopeful anyway. So we're not testing until Saturday. That way, if it's a negative result, I don't have to go to work and try to be nice to people.

6dp3dt - slowly going crazy

I am trying to keep busy but all I think about are my cramps/twinges, my what ifs, my past failures.  I am an emotional wreck today.  I feel like a headache is starting and that is what ALWAYS happens on day 9 or 10 of my luteal phase.  And cramps are steadily there.  I know that some people feel these symptoms and get BFPs but I also know that I feel these symptoms and get BFNs.
What if these great little embyros can't implant either.  The plan was, with a 5th failed IVF, we would move toward adoption.  And we will, but it isn't feeling like an exciting option right when I'm in the thick of the 2WW.   I felt so elated with 3 frozen embryos but we've had a couple of good quality ones before.  We've probably had one every cycle, and they've never implanted.  I don't think my uterus allows it to happen.  My uterus is against me.  I feel these cramps and this mild headache and I feel depressed and worried.
It's a good thing that I have a crazy busy week at work.  Hopefully I can stop obsessing.

Excited

We have 3 frozen embryos! 3! Absolutely none in 4 IVFs and now 3. That HAS to be a good sign about the ones transferred doesn't it? Well, at least quality wasn't an issue this time. Now I just have to hope my uterus knows what to do.

Positivity from here on out! (or at least for the 2ww)

Maybe there IS reason for some hope this time. The quality of the embryos is much better than we've ever had. Today all were graded A or A- except 1 that was a B. We transferred 3 8-celled, one already showing some "compacting" apparently. That is definitely the best day 3 transfer we've had. There is also somewhat of a chance that 3 others could freeze, and we've always been very certain that wouldn't happen due to poor quality.
Apparently this clinic only goes to day 5 if there are 5 at 4-cells on day 2. Today with only 4 at 8-cells, and with us transferring 3, I guess it didn't make a lot of sense to wait.
So today at least, I'm optimistic and cheerful. I am taking on the role of petri dish and am going to watch tv and read all day.

Now for my records, since I always refer back in my blog:
Transferred
8c-A
8c-A-, compacting
8c-A-
Remaining
8c-B
7c-A
6c-A-
4c-A
4c-A
4c-A-

day 2 update

I'm not sure how I feel.  We still have 9 going and apparently only 1 of the 9 isn't "excellent" quality.  But I don't really know what "excellent" quality is.  Only 3 are 4-celled and the other 6 are 2-celled.  I have read in medical journals that predictive outcomes can be based on day 2 information and that they should be 4-celled (even if my REs always tell my 2-celled is normal too).  So I guess I'm disappointed that only 3 are 4-celled.
A day 3 transfer again.  I am just not destined to have a day 5 transfer.  I don't get to hear "2 perfect blasts" for transfer.  But I know there are worse outcomes.  I'm not sure anything was going to make me feel that optimistic today actually anyway.  My husband and I were talking yesterday how all we can remember is TTC and having these heartaches.  We can't even imagine getting a positive result.  That's not us being negative, it's just how it is.  That feeling of never being able to progress to the next stage of life.
But that is why we have initiated our first adoption meeting.  It is at the end of January.  Hopefully this IVF will surprise us and change our life, but if it doesn't, at least we have plans to move forward with our life again.

Boooooooooooooooo!

We have 9 fertilized.  I know that I should be happy with that number as I've only had that high of a number once before, but I'm disappointed.  It's just the same stats as every other time, which makes it hard not to imagine that the same stats will be our outcome.  5 were immature, just a little below the average.  5 didn't fertilize (with ICSI), again just a little below the average.  We're always just a little below the average.  And I always hope/think that THIS time we'll be above average and get a surprise number.  Fuck, same stats.  Now I hope/think that we'll be ahead of the stats for day 2 quality.  And day 3.
Hope.
Mo - how long did/do you stay on that inflammation cocktail that CCRM put you on? Is it just before the transfer or do you stay on it for weeks?

Retrieval Complete

19 oocytes.
Everything went smoothly this time.  I'm only as sore as expected and am generally feeling well.
The embryologist met with us before we left.  He was great and said he'll call around 9:00 tomorrow morning to let us know the number of mature eggs and number fertilized.  He said "hopefully we'll be able to get some frozen embryos this time".  It's cute to see him thinking so positive.  He obviously doesn't know our history.

CD12 - Jeesh!

Lots of follicles.  And very high E2.  My last 2 IVFs I had E2 between 15,000 and 17,000 (whatever it is measured in, here in Canada) which is apparently too high and at risk for OHSS.   Today it is 21,000.  So I can not go until day 15 for retrieval.  It will be day 14, Friday.   The follicles looked about the same sizes today but all around 17mm.  I hope they are mature!
I am feeling more uncomfortable than I ever have pre-retrieval.  And it seems I am rather moody b/c I am angry at my husband all to often over the last few days.  I don't think I've really been this moody with my previous cycles.
Change is good right?

CD11 - The Return of the Missing Ovary

I am full of follicles.  They look for the big ones and measure them, but otherwise don't count.  And it wasn't easy for me to count them.  It looks like 7-9 on the left and now that the right ovary has returned, about 8-10 on that one.  So I'm going to get a lot.  Funny how I am on a totally different protocol and medications than IVF #3, yet the numbers look like they'll be around the same.  As for quality, the Dr. today wants to try to go to CD15 for the retrieval to see if I can get more mature oocytes.  My percentage of mature eggs has been rather low, so this is his plan.  HOWEVER, my ovaries may have a different plan.  Currently the follicles are mainly 15mm in size but righty has 2 that are 18mm.  And my estradiol is quite high already.  I guess I have to over-hydrate again to try to avoid OHSS.
I'm to go back tomorrow for another u/s so they can see if it's possible to let them "cook" for another day.  So generally good news.  I'm starting to let myself hope a little, although my brain keeps reminding me that I've had great numbers before.